Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Distorted view

Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Earlier this week, I had cataract surgery to remove a blurry cataract and replace it with a new lens that has greatly improved my vision.

Typically, if there are cataracts in both eyes, they do one eye at a time with a week or so in between the procedures.

I am in between surgeries this week and have one eye with a new lens and one eye with a blurry cataract. 

The experience has been very “eye-opening”!  (pun intended) 

What a difference!!

When I put my hand over my eye with the blurry cataract and look through my new lens, everything is perfectly in focus, and bright. The whites are amazingly white!

When I put my hand over the repaired eye and look out of the eye with the bad cataract, things are a little fuzzy, a little dirty, dull and dingy looking. 

I am so astonished that I’ve been playing this game of covering my eyes over and over. It is hard to believe believe the difference! I didn’t know how poor and distorted my vision had become.  Surgery gave me new clarity that I didn’t even know I had lost.

Other Distortions

Through this experience I’ve realized that I often have unclear and distorted views in other areas of my life. For example, when my family members left their LDS faith and I decided that I still wanted to remain a faithful member of the church, I started “seeing” differently. 

Some things were a clear improvement, like learning to really love others even when they believe in the gospel differently than I do.

At the same time, other things were not an improvement and even became distorted.
Things related to the church like: 

  • Where do I fit in the church community now that my husband doesn’t attend?
  • How do I participate at church in a way that works for me and my family? 
  • What does home centered worship mean when I am the only member at home? 

Do Any Of These Questions Sound Familiar To You?

Unfortunately, not everything I tried to address these questions was helpful for me, my faith or my family. 

The unbelievable thing was that, because of the hurt and pain I experienced during that time of my life, I couldn’t see the distortions.  Like failing cataracts, these experiences discolored everything.

One of the things that helped me replace my distorted “thinking cataracts” with clearer thoughts was the process of learning to talk with God and get clear answers to my prayers.  I started to recognize the thoughts and feelings that were helping me and the ones that were hurting me. Combining “thought work & revelation” helped my vision to clear up – a LOT.  Revelation and Prayer Journaling is another practice that has helped me.

Let Me Help You Clear Up Your Distortions

If you are or have experienced these types of thought distortions due to members of your family leaving the LDS faith, or other life events, I can help you clear up some of the distortions and regain clarity.

Limited Time Offer

With the end of summer and the start of a new school year, September is often a time for new beginnings and routines, so I am offering an “End of Summer Clarity” coaching special to help you see some of your critical life experiences more clearly.

For the next 2 weeks I am offering a limited number of 3 session coaching packages for $375 only $249. For those of you who are NOT struggling with fitting into your faith community, take advantage of this great sale to talk about what YOU are struggling with. 

Why wait?  Sign up today and start seeing some distorted thoughts with new clarity.

I would love to help you clear up some thought distortions that may have crept into your life. 

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

Lasting Memories Scrapbook Store

There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

About 13 years ago, I owned a scrapbook store, and during those years everyone seemed to be into scrapbooking. It was delightful helping all my customers tell their family stories. I also loved being able to share my own family stories. I consider myself a storyteller and believe that we learn so much about ourselves and our families through the stories we tell.  It helps us make sense of our lives and our families. (Of course we learn even more if our stories have pictures!)

As a lifecoach, I see the power of stories and storytelling every day. However, they are not necessarily the kind of stories that we scrapbook. Each of us is living out the stories of our lives that we have created. I hear stories of those who have overcome challenges and are using those challenges to build a better life. I talk to people who feel at the mercy of others because they believe that others in their lives have more say in their story than they do.

The story that you tell yourself creates your present and your future.

In the self-coaching thought model, our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions and our actions create the results that we observe in our lives. 

But, what if we don’t like what we are creating in our lives?

Changing Our Stories

The simple answer is to change our story – or the thoughts that drive our actions and results.  I’ve previously written about becoming the heroin in your own story.

But it’s NOT that easy.

If it were, everyone would feel like they have complete control over their lives.

#1 It’s really hard to catch our own damaging stories – they feel so true.

Then, even when we see our stories, it’s hard to stop telling them because they are so engrained.

And finally, it’s really easy to relapse into these not helpful stories by default.

My Offer To You

This summer I am working on re-writing some of my own disempowering stories and I would love to help YOU examine your unhelpful stories.  You can discover a better story, a vision of yourself where you are stronger, wiser and more courageous than you ever believed.  And then I will help you practice becoming that strong, wise and brave person. 

Is now the time for you to change some of your stories?

If so, simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

Heroine in our own stories

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

I love the notion that by small and simple things, we can make BIG changes, but sometimes there are just BIG changes in our lives that we have to adapt to…

Changes In My Life

That happened to me 7 years ago when my husband left the LDS faith. So many of the foundations of our marriage centered around a common belief. I had to adjust my relationship with him and also my relationship with my own faith, because of the ripple effects from his loss of faith.

Over these past 7 years, I’ve developed my own story about my identity as the believing member in my family. Some of these stories are really powerful, such as the confidence I’ve developed to take charge of all religious observances in my home. Some of my stories are disempowering, like my belief that women in my position are invisible at church.

Updating Our Stories

We all have stories that we hang on to. Some of them started as helpful and useful to help us through a hard change. Often our stories are outdated and no longer useful.

Several of our stories need to be updated.

One of my summer projects is to examine my beliefs and stories about my faith identity and to update those stories with new ones that fit all the growth that I’ve experienced in the past 7 years.

This may be a good summer for you to look at your own stories, because we all have them. Do your stories still work for you? Are they helping you to grow? Do you like who you are in them? Or are they keeping you stuck and maybe at the mercy of others?

An Offer To Help

I would love to help you update your stories. Together we will look at what your current stories are creating for your life and then we will decide what you want to emphasize and create in your new stories. Finally, you will choose and practice the beliefs that help you become the heroine in your own story.

Does this sound like fun?  Maybe not – because honestly, some parts are just really hard work. But it’s a good hard work!  It’s a worthwhile and satisfying effort, and I would love to be part of your work.

Perhaps now is the time for you to change some of your outdated stories?  I would love to help you get started. Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships. 

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!

Love / Hate Relationship With December?

Love / Hate Relationship With December
Love / Hate Relationship With December?

The Christmas season is here. Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or dread? Do you have a love / hate relationship with December?

For many years, I had a love/hate relationship with December and the whole Christmas season.  This was especially true after some members of my family left the church.  I started to wonder if all of my efforts to help my family love Christmas would ever work out. You know, the reason for the season, which is the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Was I the reason that some of my children and spouse no longer even believe that there is a Savior?

Many of us mothers are particularly sensitive and vulnerable during the Christmas season. As self-described “Christmas magic makers”, we feel responsible for making this the best time of the year for everyone we love.

What went wrong?

As a matter of fact, many of my “natural woman” tendencies can be particularly active during this time of the year:

My “Inner Judge” likes to point out all the ways that I am falling short during December. Someone who has it all together would have taken family photos. Written personal Christmas cards to friends. Planned exciting activities. Gone shopping to buy the perfect personal gifts for everyone on her list. Most important of all – managed to bring the “true spirit” into her home everyday in December. 

Other characters in my mind…

The “Controlling” part of my personality is screaming that if everyone would just follow MY plan the holiday would be perfect!

My personal “Stickler”, the one who loves all the rules and keeps track of all the things I “should” be doing, and letting me know where I fall short. 

My inner “Victim” feels so sorry for herself – everyone else has a perfectly behaved family.  Poor, poor me, I have to make do with what I have instead of the perfect life everyone else I know has. 

And finally, the “People Pleaser” in me tries to keep everyone happy all the time. Even though this is an impossible task, we think I can do. If anyone is less than happy, I failed indeed. I wrote about the “People Pleaser” in a previous blog post.

What else would we expect?

Is it any wonder that I had a love/hate relationship with Christmas? 

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you??

Somewhere over the past few years I have discovered the spiritual gift of COMPASSION. This gift, is the gift of empathy and the desire to relieve my own and others’ suffering. This gift has allowed me to quiet those inner voices and approach the Christmas season with joy and anticipation. I’m happy to report that those inner critical voices are so quiet now that I can barely hear them.

With this gift, I am changed. I am currently looking forward to the holiday with love and anticipation.

How about you?

If you are dreading the Christmas season, I invite you to schedule an time to let me coach you early in December.

You know who you are…

I would love for your December to have more love and compassion and fewer critical inner voices. Schedule 50 minutes with me and we will identify your inner critical voices. We can talk about how to quiet them so you can feel the love and peace you desire.

Perhaps your Christmas season is already perfect and you have a friend that could benefit from some help with those above inner voices?   If you know someone that could use a dose of self-compassion this time of year, please share this gift with them.

This is simply a gift I am sharing.  You can be confident knowing there is NO cost, NO pressure, and NO sales pitch.  Simple coaching to help you make your Christmas season merrier and brighter than ever.  Click the link below.

Yes!  I want the gift of Compassion for Christmas!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling
Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

The three pillars of my Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program are to love ourselves, love God and love others. Learning to love any of these people takes determination and focus. However I think it’s harder to love ourselves on a consistent basis than it is to love God or others.  Let me tell you about revelation & prayer journaling. It’s AMAZING!

I am always vulnerable to my own harsh judgments.  Perhaps you too?

One of the ways that I have learned to love myself is by committing to a morning devotional time that strengthens my spirit, my body and my emotional & mental health. 

I spoke about my entire morning time a previous blog post about my “Morning Devotionals“.

My morning devotionals include:

  • Prayer
  • Music
  • Scriptures
  • Journaling
  • Studying
  • Moving my body
  • Meditation
  • Mindset Work
  • Belief Plan

As part of this practice that strengthens my spirit and my love for self, I spend some time doing what I call “Revelation & Prayer Journaling”. Each morning that I take the time to do this, I leave feeling spiritually uplifted and renewed. Because I am so thankful for all of you who read my emails, especially when you reach out and let me know they are helping you, I want to share my Revelation & Prayer Journaling page template and instructions with you. 

Why do I spend all this time?

Here is a partial list of the daily benefits that I have received from this process:

  • I am a better person at the end of my devotional time than I was when I started.
  • I have much more enthusiasm for the day when I take the time in the morning to talk things over with God.
  • I feel impressions that I try to follow.
  • I feel like I am guided.
  • I make better choices.
  • I love people more.
  • I am not distracted by the news.
  • I don’t over-react when something doesn’t happen the way I want it to because I have a broader perspective.
  • I am more accepting of myself and others.
  • I allow myself to feel all of my emotions – even the negative ones like grief, worry or sadness.

Enjoy!

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children
Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

I recently visited the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I was fascinated by the barbed wire exhibit. There were 1,000’s of different varieties of barbed wire!

Likewise, I was fascinated to find a much smaller barbed wire exhibit at the Museum of Idaho last week.  The exhibit displayed barbed wire styles that were unique to each rancher. When you saw a certain style of barbed wire you knew who’s property you were on. Then I wondered if my family had their own style of barbed wire? A question that there is probably no one left to answer… 

It turns out that barbed wire forever changed the way that ranchers kept beef cattle in the American West. Previous to barbed wire, there was no cost-effective way to confine cattle. The creatures mostly roamed free on the open range. Once barbed wire was invented, cattle were fenced. Ranchers could increase their herds without the fear of losing cattle to cliffs, bad plants or mixing with other herds.

So what’s the point of all this barbed wire talk?

I loved looking at all the types of barbed wire. But, it made me think about the function played by the barbed wire.  It set boundaries, to keep cattle in and predators and rustlers out. 

We each have our own variety of figurative “barbed wire” for our personal boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way to define who we are as individuals. They define what we will and will not hold ourselves responsible for. Learning to create healthy boundaries is an important part of our self-care. 

Boundaries and our children

But, just as barbed wire keeps cattle in, it also keeps unwanted critters or people out.  It’s this aspect that I wanted to talk about today. As mothers of adult children, it’s so easy to think of our children as an extension of us.  Sometimes we forget the plan is for training them to manage their own lives, separate from us.  As they grow in abilities, our children need to develop healthy boundaries. The do this to live their own lives without interference from their parents.

This can be frightening for us parents, since we love our children and want to stay close and protect them. We may not recognize our children’s “barbed wire boundary”. We may attempt to break through it, by offering helpful observations or advice.  In mixed-faith families, repeating helpful reminders of the religious teachings that you taught them to make their life “better”.

Our rationale is that we only want what’s best for our child. We have more life experience, and we are only trying to be helpful.

Wisdom from Twitter

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, always”.

I agree with this, although I don’t always practice what I preach. Occasionally I do have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice to my adult kids… Then I end up having to apologize when/if I recognize I’ve overstepped their boundaries.

Perhaps you feel like you have been caught in barbed wire in your relationship with your adult child? Or you might be trying to break down a boundary they have established to create independence from you?  Is there a better way for you to have a relationship with your adult child? 

Perhaps I can help?

If you need help answering these questions, coaching might be a great fit for you. I have learned to better create boundaries for myself. Additionally I am better at recognizing the boundaries our kids and others have set for us.

Would you like to discuss “Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children” or your situation? Feel free to select a convenient time and we can Just Talk.