5 Ways Having A Coach Helped Me When My Husband Left The Church

Couple Talking

Thought Tornadoes – I couldn’t stop the spiraling thoughts that usually ended with fearful questions like, “What’s going to happen to me now?” Getting coached and self-coaching taught me how to stop those fearful thoughts and replace them with other thoughts that I found gave me the power over my life.

Agency – I have been taught the principle of agency my entire life, but I didn’t fully understand my ability to choose my own thoughts, feelings and actions until I learned the self-coaching model. I always believed that someone or something outside myself had more influence over me than I did. I thought I was at the mercy of others and that I was stuck. Now that I understand agency, I know I am the one with the power.

Compassion – less judgment – I didn’t know how judgmental I was of myself and others until members of my family began leaving the church. I didn’t realize how painful the church could be for some members until I experienced some of that pain myself as I was grieving my leaving family members. Some of the things that we commonly talk about at church are painful for others who do not have the “ideal” family situation. I love having more compassion and less judgment for myself and for everyone else.

Self-Care – I developed a self-care routine that supported me spiritually, emotionally and physically. Because I routinely take care of what I need, I am in a better place to take care of others, both members of my own family and any other person I encounter.

Love – I’ve learned about love from my family outside of the church. They just love, they don’t qualify or expect their love to be earned by actions. This has been a great lesson for me.  Love has always felt hard to me, and now it’s so much easier.

To say that coaching has changed my life for the better would be a vast understatement!

I can coach you – and teach you how to coach yourself.

Dry-Erase Whiteboards Are The Answer To Marital Happiness!

Whiteboard

I wanted to share one of the lesser known secrets for good marital (and family) communication.  My husband worked in the corporate world for over 40 years before retiring.  He often says he thinks best in spreadsheets and on whiteboards, and one of the best tools he ever brought into our home from work was the whiteboard. 

Years ago, we installed a small whiteboard in our hallway to keep track of family activities like dentist appointments, primary programs, school events, love notes, chores and encouragement.  After our children grew and left home, we started using our hallway whiteboard as a thinking and planning tool.

Standing in front of our whiteboard, with colored dry-erase pens in hand, we spent many hours discussing vacations, the pros and cons of purchases, thoughts and feelings we were having, to-do lists, etc.  

My husband and I occasionally don’t see things quite the same. (Shocker!)  Once in a while, our discussions are not so “peaceful”, but we keep talking and writing and drawing on our whiteboard, and almost always we are able to reach decisions both of us can live with.   

Today we have matching his and her 3’ x 4’ whiteboards in our office.  They are both typically filled with all sorts of thoughts and scribbles and plans.  We still stand in front of these boards and have “lively discussions” on a regular basis.  

Years ago, we used my whiteboard to develop the first version of our LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters workbook.  Topics or behaviors listed in the workbook will provide many hours of discussion for couples or families moving into a mixed-faith lifestyle.  Without faith in the church, what behaviors will change?  What behaviors will remain the same? 

Below is a sampling from the 60+ behaviors listed for discussion:

  • Word of Wisdom:  Alcohol, Coffee, Tea, Tobacco, Drugs
  • Temple:  Family history, Weddings, Temple work, wearing garments
  • Church activities:  Sabbath day, baptisms, different churches, meetings
  • Donations:  Tithing, missionary fund, humanitarian
  • Miscellaneous:  Family prayer, scripture study, blessings, removing name

I believe the whiteboard is a fantastic communication tool for couples and families.  I also believe this workbook is our best tool for identifying, discussing and preparing for behavior changes due to a faith transition – before they happen.  I invite you to see if it would work for you.

Side note –  We have learned many things about the selection, care, feeding and cleaning of whiteboards and dry-erase markers. If you are curious, just click here to contact me.

If you would like to try a discussion with dry-erase pens, but you don’t have a whiteboard, we have also used the bathroom mirror or large windows, and they work too.  Dry-erase markers are wonderful conversation aids!

LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters

Conversation Starters

I wanted to share some additional thoughts about my experiences with loved ones that have left the LDS church.  My first daughter left the church right after graduating from high school. My second daughter left after searching deeply for answers to simple gospel questions, and not finding supportive answers. My third daughter to leave the church did so for personal reasons.  Last, but not least, my dear husband left the church after many years of trying and failing to develop a relationship with God and Christ.

People join religions and leave religions for a variety of reasons.  The same is true for your loved one that is leaving or has left the LDS faith.

Some of their reasons for losing faith or leaving the church may include:

  • Gospel questions without satisfactory answers.
  • Historical information they recently discovered, leading to the feeling that the church may have been hiding or misrepresenting important details.
  • Observing the behavior of others in the church and feeling the gospel is not true if these things are allowed.
  • Not understanding the nature of God, or not feeling his love. 
  • Not agreeing with church leaders regarding women’s roles, homosexuality or concerns about lack of transparency.

Oddly enough, although still faithful and believing, you may even share some of these same concerns.  This is completely normal, and we each need to find our own answers.

Your loved-one that has doubts or no longer believes in the church may have their own feelings of disappointment, anger, or sorrow, and fear.  Perhaps they have a combination of all these emotions.  Depending on their reasons and their feelings, their outward lifestyle may be affected very little as they leave the church, or it may be affected in many major ways. 

My LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters workbook is just one of the tools that I would love to share with you to help smooth your journey as your loved-one leaves the LDS church.  

Although I can’t restore your loved-ones’ faith or bring them back to church activity, I can help YOU find peace around their choices.  I can help you have confidence that your family really is OK, and things will work out. 

Your life can still be full of joy and peace no matter what your family members choose to do.

I would be honored to be your guide. If you would like to simply talk about your situation, and perhaps hear your thoughts out loud for the first time, I invite you to click HERE and schedule a time for us to talk.  Let me help you begin putting the pieces of your life back together again.

Can A Mixed-Faith Marriage Really Work?

Happy Marriage!

Almost six years ago, my husband decided to stop attending church. He had been struggling for a number of years with his belief in God, but finally felt that he couldn’t continue to attend church. I was surprised and taken off guard. I knew he was struggling with his faith, but I never expected that he would stop going to church with me. 

I was so afraid of what would happen next now that he wasn’t attending church.  What else would change?  Was he going to be a different person without the church? Were we going to argue all the time?  Was I going to have to go along with his changed beliefs for us to stay married?

My fear became consuming. I was always thinking about what would happen next, wondering if the changes he might make would become so great that I wouldn’t be able to stay with him. I really liked my life and I didn’t want to make any changes. 

We’d had a good marriage up to this point. We were business partners as well as life partners, and we had learned to talk things out using a giant white board and logic. We decided to apply that skill to this problem. 

We started filling up our white board with my questions about how things might change. He presented his ideas, I presented mine. It was a multi-day, many-hour series of discussions. On many of the topics, we decided that there would be “no change”.  For example, he continued to pay tithing, wear garments, observe the Sabbath and observe the Word of Wisdom. 

He stopped praying and reading the scriptures or other church materials. He didn’t renew his temple recommend, however he did continue to visit his Home Teaching families monthly because he loved them and didn’t want to give that up. I continued to bless the food for both of us. We agreed that he wouldn’t listen to podcasts or You-Tube videos that presented the church in a poor light for a little while. 

These were meetings where we both compromised, and we didn’t always agree on everything. Nevertheless, these meetings brought us both a lot of relief.  He was afraid that I would leave the marriage and I was afraid that he was going to change so much that I would have to leave the marriage. 

We gave each other space to process the changes. 

Our initial discussions worked so well that we decided to use the list we created to review our “LDS Mixed-Faith Lifestyle” each year.

Now it’s an annual tradition and every year around Mother’s Day, we choose a weekend to get away, enjoy some yummy food and hammer out our vision of what our marriage and life together will look like for the following year. We still use our original list as a foundation, but over the years it has morphed into a “how we can grow together as a couple” weekend, with both of us making changes in ourselves to be a better couple together.

Our original “lifestyle review” was so much help to us that we decided to format it nicely into a workbook and share it with you. I called this helpful document the “LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starter Workbook”. You won’t do things our way, you will figure out how things work best for you. However you choose to have a discussion, this list of topics that we’ve developed can help you see where you want to focus your time and attention.

If you wonder if two people can still be happy in their marriage when they have such different ideas about their faith, the answer is YES THEY CAN!  This workbook can provide a good start for discussions if you find yourself in this situation.

The list looks simple, but discussing the 60+ lifestyle topics listed in this workbook can greatly reduce the fear and anxiety about what’s next for everyone.   

LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starter Workbook 

NOTE:  If you have a friend or family member that may benefit from this workbook, please take a moment and forward this blog post to them.