Its NOT about YOU!

It's ALL about Me!

A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from a loved one with discouraging news. 

I was shocked and I couldn’t gather my thoughts together and make sense of what happened or how to respond.  I finally had to end our call so I could process the news. 

I thought about the conversation with my loved ones, and why I couldn’t respond. After thinking about it a bit, I realized that my first thoughts were about me and not them. In other words, I was making their news all about my feelings, thoughts and concerns. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect them except by way of how it was affecting me. 

One of the hard parts about being willing to do the work of making ourselves better is discovering really embarrassing things about ourselves. This was one of those embarrassing moments for me… 😳

It’s NOT About YOU!

This is the lesson I (re) learned this week.  When you make it about you, you can’t respond to those who are hurting. You can’t mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. You can’t lift the hands that hang down or strengthen the feeble knees. You can only worry about how it will affect you.

Thinking about ourselves first is a very common reaction from those of us who have loved ones who have left the church. We get wrapped up in how this news affects us. How we are going to look at church, how we are going to respond when our loved one wants to bring home their girl or boyfriend to stay overnight with us, how much we are hurting.

We do need space to process these things, but if we want to maintain a strong connection with our loved ones, we really need to have the eyes and the heart to see how this information is affecting them. What do they think about what others are thinking and talking about them?  Are they afraid that we will reject their girl or boyfriend? Where are their pains?

I called my loved ones back that afternoon and apologized for my reaction and told them that I wanted to be supportive of them, but I wasn’t very good at it yet, and asked for their understanding and patience. When I hung up, my brain was able to start thinking of ways that I could support them, because I was making it about them (the people with the problem) and NOT about how it would affect me. 

For a few minutes after our phone conversation, I was able to bask in the glow of being someone who was learning to walk the talk of all the things I am learning for myself and teaching others. This is what it feels like to be a follower of Christ. 

It’s taken a long time working on myself and practicing to start catching on to myself sooner than I used to.  I am still a work in progress…

The Choice Has Always Been In You

The Choice Is Yours

I like to put my own name and pronouns in the scriptures that I am studying. Personalizing the scriptures help me internalize it more. Recently, I’ve been learning about agency – my own and the agency of everyone around me. Today I want to share with you what I learned about agency from thinking about this scripture:

“Jennifer should be anxiously engaged in good causes and do many things of her own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness in the world, for the power is in her, wherein she is an agent unto herself.” (see D&C 58:27-28)

RIGHTEOUSNESS

I feel that I bring to pass righteousness in the world when I do simple things like decide to smile and say hello to every person I meet on my walk. I bring to pass righteousness when I recognize that my actions may have hurt someone and apologize quickly, frequently, and sincerely. I bring to pass righteousness when I look into the future and see my interactions with others, then choose how I want to show up, and take actions to be the person I want to be.  Making my own choices and taking action is very powerful – and I love feeling powerful. It’s exhilarating!

POWERLESS

There was a time when I thought I was always at the mercy of situations and people around me.  They all had power over my life. If the weather was terrible, it meant I couldn’t do what I planned that day and it made me sad.  When I thought that my children were unhappy, it meant that I needed to be unhappy with them. When my husband’s actions made me angry, I thought that meant that I could be mean back because “he made me angry”.  I thought that was the way things should be – but I also felt POWERLESS with every one else creating my feelings.

POWERFUL

Then I learned how to take responsibility for myself and not be at the mercy of events or people around me. I learned how to coach myself using the self-coaching model, and it helped me see that my thoughts create my feelings and my feelings drive all my actions.  

Thoughts → Feelings → Actions

I’ve learned that it is ME!  I am responsible for how I act and react in every situation. I also learned that I have the power to choose my thoughts, and no one can take that power away from me unless I let them.

IT TAKES PRACTICE

I didn’t learn how to use the self-coaching model instantly, it took practice, LOTS of practice, and I still make mistakes. I’ve actually learned that part of my power comes from knowing I am not perfect, and when I make mistakes, I can turn to Jesus and let Him help me.  I’ve discovered that using my agency to take responsibility for me has brought me closer to the Savior, because I can see how much I need Him. I never realized the power of the Atonement when I was blaming everyone else for what I did. 

I am continually learning to love myself, to love and trust God, and to love those around me. My desire to share these things that I am learning with others was the genesis of creating my Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman program. I started putting my whole heart into becoming the woman that I wanted to be. 

I CAN ASSIST

If you want help defining and becoming the woman YOU want to be, to feel the power of being the one who has control of her own life, I would love to assist as your guide and coach. You have the power within you to be happy, joyful and loving, no matter what is happening around you. Let’s talk. 

You can reply to this email or follow this link to set up a time for us to chat.  This costs you nothing and will provide some useful tools.  We can talk about how you can stop feeling out of control of your life and how powerful it feels to be in charge of your life.