Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Burdened with load of care

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Several weeks ago, I was asked to lead this week’s discussion in Relief Society. The General Conference talk we will be discussing is “Just Keep Going – With Faith”, which is a talk about overcoming discouragement and moving forward.

This week my family got discouraging and disheartening news.

I thought, I “should” know how to deal with hard things!

  • I know how to pray
  • I know how to hand things over to God
  • I know thoughtwork
  • I know how to see the “gifts” life’s challenges bring
  • I know how to re-write my stories
  • I know how to shift into my sage wisdom
  • I know how to recognize and feel my feelings

I have ALL the tools. 

However, let me tell you a little secret.

What actually made things better was acknowledging that I feel discouraged – and that it’s OK to feel discouraged.  Anyone in this situation would feel this way.  We know in time that strong feelings pass and new realities get normalized.

In those moments when discouragement hits us hard, the “tools” don’t really make things better.

Additional Things That Help Me

In addition to all of the above tools, I have a few additional go-to strategies that bring me peace:

  • I listen to what I call “morning birdsong symphonies” from the birds in my yard and pray and meditate to the sound.
  • Since I am a gardener, my garden is a place of refuge and peace for me.
  • Yesterday I spent time in my garden watering, tying up heavy poppies, removing aphids, watching ladybugs eat aphids,picking zinnias, removing the leaves from their stems and arranging them in a vase, all the while noticing their remarkable colors. 
  • Korean Yoga and Tai Chi movements help me move strong feelings through my body.
  • And, of course, a good nap…

Perhaps This Is You?

Women whose spouse and/or children are leaving the church are familiar with facing new and discouraging changes in their lives. Just like my story above, we need to stop and allow the grief before we can “Just Keep Going – With Faith”.  

I am grateful for the wisdom to know that discouragement and grief need a little time to process. As usual, I will bring a unique perspective to my Relief Society lesson tomorrow. 

In addition to time, sometimes we need a little help and encouragement to keep going as we pass through seemingly insurmountable trials.  Often we just need to express our sorrow and discouragement out loud to a listening ear .

Lee, if I can assist you in this process, and help you keep going with faith, I’m here.

Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

Heroine in our own stories

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

I love the notion that by small and simple things, we can make BIG changes, but sometimes there are just BIG changes in our lives that we have to adapt to…

Changes In My Life

That happened to me 7 years ago when my husband left the LDS faith. So many of the foundations of our marriage centered around a common belief. I had to adjust my relationship with him and also my relationship with my own faith, because of the ripple effects from his loss of faith.

Over these past 7 years, I’ve developed my own story about my identity as the believing member in my family. Some of these stories are really powerful, such as the confidence I’ve developed to take charge of all religious observances in my home. Some of my stories are disempowering, like my belief that women in my position are invisible at church.

Updating Our Stories

We all have stories that we hang on to. Some of them started as helpful and useful to help us through a hard change. Often our stories are outdated and no longer useful.

Several of our stories need to be updated.

One of my summer projects is to examine my beliefs and stories about my faith identity and to update those stories with new ones that fit all the growth that I’ve experienced in the past 7 years.

This may be a good summer for you to look at your own stories, because we all have them. Do your stories still work for you? Are they helping you to grow? Do you like who you are in them? Or are they keeping you stuck and maybe at the mercy of others?

An Offer To Help

I would love to help you update your stories. Together we will look at what your current stories are creating for your life and then we will decide what you want to emphasize and create in your new stories. Finally, you will choose and practice the beliefs that help you become the heroine in your own story.

Does this sound like fun?  Maybe not – because honestly, some parts are just really hard work. But it’s a good hard work!  It’s a worthwhile and satisfying effort, and I would love to be part of your work.

Perhaps now is the time for you to change some of your outdated stories?  I would love to help you get started. Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members That Are Leaving The Church

Very recently, one of my clients recently approached me with the following questions:

The questions: “How do I have a better relationship with my daughter who has left the church?  She is attacking the church on social media, and that’s all she wants to talk about with me.”  And their follow-up question was, “I want to love and understand my daughter without listening and reading all the things she is listening to and reading. How do I do that?“

Here is how I answered my client:

Without taking into account your daughter’s actual words, what do you think she is thinking and feeling right now? 

It sounds like she is definitely angry with the church. She probably has many negative feelings about the church and wants you to validate those feelings. This is very common for us humans. We want our family to share the same beliefs and do the same things. It sounds like she loves you and may simply want the best for you. She may believe the best thing for you – is for you to leave the church too. 

You can and should validate her feelings:

Frequently, this is hard for us to do because we believe if we validate someone’s feelings, we are condoning or agreeing with their actions. Therefore, how can we love angry family members leaving the church, without accepting or agreeing with their ideas?

The word “condone” means to accept and allow something that you consider morally wrong or offensive, as acceptable.  

You can validate the hurt your family member feels without agreeing with them on other issues. You can show empathy and compassion for what they are going through.  Perhaps you could say something similar to: “This topic sounds like it really hurts, is that how you feel?”

Then LISTEN!

Validating their feelings doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them endlessly talk negatively about the church. You don’t need to listen to all the information they is listening to.  You can decide in advance how much listening you want to do, and then set a limit. Perhaps say something like: “Sweetie, I love you and want to understand your thoughts, but this stuff is hard for me to listen to.  Let’s set a timer for 10 minutes, then find something else to do that we both enjoy.”

The formula I use is:

  1. Reassure them of your love.
  2. Decide how much you can listen to.
  3. Set a limit, and stick to it.
  4. Remind them we each get to choose what we believe. 
  5. Suggest a different activity you both enjoy.

These conversations can be hard. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t have them perfectly the first few times. It’s ok and it can take practice to learn how to respond to your child. Never the less, if you use genuine love and compassion for them, you can improve your relationship with them by making the effort to understand them better.

My offer to help:

In my Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program, I work one-on-one with women to work through things just like the above example. I help them navigate their relationships with loved ones who are leaving the church. If you are in the above situation, I can help you too.  I can help you continue loving family members leaving the church – even if they are angry.

Are you worried about your eternal family? Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman is the place for you to learn to build strong relationships within your mixed-faith family, while also using your strength and wisdom to be a light to them.

If this is something you may be interested in, let’s talk. 

Click on my picture below and sign up for a free 45 minute chat. 

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships. 

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!

The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

The Road To Abilene - A Trip To Resentment
The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase “Low Candor and High Courtesy” applied to many of us at church.  In this phrase, “low candor” means we don’t exactly share the full truth. The term “high courtesy” means we do this because we want to be kind to others.

When my husband was a young manager at Boeing, he was sent to a course that included a 1984 movie titled “The Abilene Paradox”. During the first six minutes, the movie showed two couples sitting on the porch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. One man in the group casually suggested to the others that they could drive to Abilene, Texas for supper.  One by one, each of the other people agreed to go on this 53-mile drive on a hot summer’s day. By the time they got home, tired, hot (no air conditioners), sweaty and grumpy, each of them shared that they never really wanted to go in the first place. The man that offered the idea also said “I didn’t want to go to Abilene to begin with, I was just making conversation!”   “Low Candor and High Courtesy”.

So, the lesson from the Abilene Paradox is that when everyone agrees to do something that nobody really wants to do – to be kind to others, EVERYONE will likely be disappointed with the outcome. 

“Are we on the road to Abilene?” became a favorite family question when we were attempting to make decisions as a family. 

You can watch this video for yourself

Recently we discovered a copy of this old video on YouTube, and my husband and I watched it again. (End at about 4:35 seconds into the video.)   Yup, even after all these years, we still occasionally find ourselves going 90 MPH on the Road to Abilene!  

One thing we’ve realized that we especially need in our mixed-faith-marriage is clear communication. Even when it takes a little extra time and patience to hammer out what we are each thinking and meaning, it is worth it.

Another example

After watching the movie together, we discussed the story and who we thought was to blame for everyone going to Abilene. I thought the person who made the suggestion to go when he didn’t really want to go was dishonest.  He was probably suggesting an activity that he hoped no one would take him up on. My husband thought it was fine to make a suggestion, but the dishonest people were the rest of the group who said “yes”, just to be polite.  Each of you will need to decide who you think was to blame for yourselves. 

An example of NOT being on the Road to Abilene

Recently, my husband asked me to go with him to an RV show a few miles away.  I quickly thought about his offer, knowing it was Sunday, it was hot, there was a lot of walking and really, if you’ve seen 100 RV’s, you’ve probably seen them all…  So what do you think I decided?   I concluded that being with him on a Sunday afternoon doing something he really wanted to do was more important to me than the rest of my arguments. We were NOT on the road to Abilene. We went and actually had a great time together, and as I predicted, no RV’s followed us home.

Here is an example of BEING on the Road to Abilene

On another occasion, my husband invited me to go out to dinner at a place he thought I might like.  I said yes because I thought it was someplace he wanted to go.  (But I really didn’t like that place.) When we got home, neither of us had enjoyed our meal, and I was really grumpy when I found out he didn’t like the restaurant either! He was just being kind and thoughtful because he thought I liked it.  I decided to go because I thought he wanted to go. In my way, I too was also trying to be kind and thoughtful.

It turns out neither of us are being kind and thoughtful when we are not honest about what we want.  Actually, this can be a recipe for resentment. This is where our improving communication skills come in handy. 

A Christmas example

When you are in a mixed-faith marriage, opportunities abound for trips to Abilene. A previous blog post about making Christmas “perfect” for all is a good example of trying to please everyone.

The solution?  Although we may be in a “low candor, high courtesy” culture, being honest about what we want is more important than trying to go along with others that are simply trying to make us happy.

I know you’ve all been there!  The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment. I would love to hear your version of being on “The Road to Abilene” – just leave a comment.

Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Venn Diagrams And Relationships
Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Lately I’ve become obsessed with Venn diagrams!  Ya, I know, weird… Here is a dictionary definition of Venn diagrams. It is a little wordy and vague, but you will get the idea.

You know those overlapping circles we learned about in elementary school that helped us determine what two separate things had in common?

I can’t stop looking at the interrelationships.

One Venn diagram that I have been looking at a lot lately is one of myself and my husband, Lee. I started paying attention to it to see if we had the Goldilocks principle down – were we overlapping too much, not enough or just right?

What I ended up discovering is our “before” and “after” snapshot of when Lee left the church. 

You know how you create before and after images in your mind of a “better” time as compared to now? Sometimes I think about sitting in church, holding hands with Lee, and I really long for that.

Romance and Venn Diagrams

What I learned when I looked at our Venn diagram was that I have a romantic (but incorrect) view of those days. My husband was really miserable participating at church for several years before he decided to stop attending. He did not have a life outside of the church and his career. We did church things together and separately, but we didn’t both enjoy them. 

In the years since Lee left the LDS faith, we have grown as a couple and as individuals. Our Venn diagrams reflect that. He retired this year and that has helped him to explore who he is and what he likes. We have mindfully and intentionally developed the parts of the diagram where we overlap and we have mindfully and intentionally developed ourselves individually, and we are both better for it. 

Overlaps and Underlaps

Our overlapping areas are designed to bring us closer together.  For example,  Lee and I have decided that generosity is a value we share. We have a budget category earmarked for generosity. Pretty regularly we look at each at about the same time and decide to “make someone’s day”. It might be a server at a restaurant or someone who helps us in the airport, or even someone just minding their own business.  We find a way to give them a surprisingly significant sum of money. We usually don’t know how our generous moments turn out, but it is something fun we do together that ends up making our day and draws us closer together.  See, Venn Diagrams And Relationships do go together!

A recent blog about a mixed-faith Father’s day shows some overlapping values we celebrated.

You might consider drawing a few Venn diagrams yourself (they can provide all kinds of data) to help you evaluate your relationship with your family members who have left the church. You can see and decide how much and what kind of overlap the two of you need and want, and then be intentional about developing the parts of you together that you share.  I would be curious about what you observe from your Venn diagram experiment. 

It’s NOT about ME!

It's NOT about ME!
It’s NOT about ME!

A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from a loved one with discouraging news. 

For some reason I was not able to gather my thoughts together and make sense of what happened. Or even know how to respond.  Ultimately, I had to end our call to process the news. 

My mind went to the conversation with my loved ones, and why I couldn’t respond. After thinking about it a bit, I realized that my first thoughts were about me and not them. Strangely, my mind was making their news all about my feelings, thoughts and concerns. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect them, except by way of how it was affecting me. 

One of the hard parts about being willing to do the work of making ourselves better is discovering really embarrassing things about ourselves. This was one of those embarrassing moments for me… 😳

The character trait that I was trying to avoid here was being “self-centered“. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines self-centered as “concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests“

It’s NOT About ME!

The life lesson I relearned this week was, when we make it about us, we can’t respond to those in need. We can’t mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We can’t lift the hands that hang down or strengthen the feeble knees. We can only worry about how it will affect you.

Thinking about ourselves first is a very common reaction from those of us who have loved ones who have left the church. We typically get all wrapped up in how this news affects us. How will we look at church? What if our loved one wants to bring home their girl or boyfriend to stay overnight with us? Why are we are hurting?

Things do take time to sort through

We do need time to process these things. To maintain a strong connection with our loved ones, we really need to have the eyes and the heart to see how this information is affecting them. What do they think about how others are thinking and talking about them?  Are they afraid that we will reject their girl or boyfriend? Where are their pains?

Sometimes apologies are in order

I called my loved ones back that afternoon and apologized for my reaction, and told them that I wanted to be supportive of them. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very good at it yet, and asked for their understanding and patience. After I hung up, my brain was able to start thinking of ways that I could support them. With practice, I was making it about them,  (the people with the problem) and NOT about how it would affect me. 

For a few minutes after our 2nd phone conversation I was able to bask in the glow of being someone who was learning. Learning to walk the talk of all the things I am learning for myself and teaching others. This is what it feels like to be a follower of Christ. 

Recently I’ve been consiously practicing thinking more about others, and not just about me. I’ve found that making lasting changes frequently take time and practice. Like so many areas of my life, I am still a work in progress…

Lesson for today? We all just need to remember, It’s NOT about ME!