Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children
Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

I recently visited the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I was fascinated by the barbed wire exhibit. There were 1,000’s of different varieties of barbed wire!

Likewise, I was fascinated to find a much smaller barbed wire exhibit at the Museum of Idaho last week.  The exhibit displayed barbed wire styles that were unique to each rancher. When you saw a certain style of barbed wire you knew who’s property you were on. Then I wondered if my family had their own style of barbed wire? A question that there is probably no one left to answer… 

It turns out that barbed wire forever changed the way that ranchers kept beef cattle in the American West. Previous to barbed wire, there was no cost-effective way to confine cattle. The creatures mostly roamed free on the open range. Once barbed wire was invented, cattle were fenced. Ranchers could increase their herds without the fear of losing cattle to cliffs, bad plants or mixing with other herds.

So what’s the point of all this barbed wire talk?

I loved looking at all the types of barbed wire. But, it made me think about the function played by the barbed wire.  It set boundaries, to keep cattle in and predators and rustlers out. 

We each have our own variety of figurative “barbed wire” for our personal boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way to define who we are as individuals. They define what we will and will not hold ourselves responsible for. Learning to create healthy boundaries is an important part of our self-care. 

Boundaries and our children

But, just as barbed wire keeps cattle in, it also keeps unwanted critters or people out.  It’s this aspect that I wanted to talk about today. As mothers of adult children, it’s so easy to think of our children as an extension of us.  Sometimes we forget the plan is for training them to manage their own lives, separate from us.  As they grow in abilities, our children need to develop healthy boundaries. The do this to live their own lives without interference from their parents.

This can be frightening for us parents, since we love our children and want to stay close and protect them. We may not recognize our children’s “barbed wire boundary”. We may attempt to break through it, by offering helpful observations or advice.  In mixed-faith families, repeating helpful reminders of the religious teachings that you taught them to make their life “better”.

Our rationale is that we only want what’s best for our child. We have more life experience, and we are only trying to be helpful.

Wisdom from Twitter

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, always”.

I agree with this, although I don’t always practice what I preach. Occasionally I do have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice to my adult kids… Then I end up having to apologize when/if I recognize I’ve overstepped their boundaries.

Perhaps you feel like you have been caught in barbed wire in your relationship with your adult child? Or you might be trying to break down a boundary they have established to create independence from you?  Is there a better way for you to have a relationship with your adult child? 

Perhaps I can help?

If you need help answering these questions, coaching might be a great fit for you. I have learned to better create boundaries for myself. Additionally I am better at recognizing the boundaries our kids and others have set for us.

Would you like to discuss “Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children” or your situation? Feel free to select a convenient time and we can Just Talk. 

Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Venn Diagrams And Relationships
Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Lately I’ve become obsessed with Venn diagrams!  Ya, I know, weird… Here is a dictionary definition of Venn diagrams. It is a little wordy and vague, but you will get the idea.

You know those overlapping circles we learned about in elementary school that helped us determine what two separate things had in common?

I can’t stop looking at the interrelationships.

One Venn diagram that I have been looking at a lot lately is one of myself and my husband, Lee. I started paying attention to it to see if we had the Goldilocks principle down – were we overlapping too much, not enough or just right?

What I ended up discovering is our “before” and “after” snapshot of when Lee left the church. 

You know how you create before and after images in your mind of a “better” time as compared to now? Sometimes I think about sitting in church, holding hands with Lee, and I really long for that.

Romance and Venn Diagrams

What I learned when I looked at our Venn diagram was that I have a romantic (but incorrect) view of those days. My husband was really miserable participating at church for several years before he decided to stop attending. He did not have a life outside of the church and his career. We did church things together and separately, but we didn’t both enjoy them. 

In the years since Lee left the LDS faith, we have grown as a couple and as individuals. Our Venn diagrams reflect that. He retired this year and that has helped him to explore who he is and what he likes. We have mindfully and intentionally developed the parts of the diagram where we overlap and we have mindfully and intentionally developed ourselves individually, and we are both better for it. 

Overlaps and Underlaps

Our overlapping areas are designed to bring us closer together.  For example,  Lee and I have decided that generosity is a value we share. We have a budget category earmarked for generosity. Pretty regularly we look at each at about the same time and decide to “make someone’s day”. It might be a server at a restaurant or someone who helps us in the airport, or even someone just minding their own business.  We find a way to give them a surprisingly significant sum of money. We usually don’t know how our generous moments turn out, but it is something fun we do together that ends up making our day and draws us closer together.  See, Venn Diagrams And Relationships do go together!

A recent blog about a mixed-faith Father’s day shows some overlapping values we celebrated.

You might consider drawing a few Venn diagrams yourself (they can provide all kinds of data) to help you evaluate your relationship with your family members who have left the church. You can see and decide how much and what kind of overlap the two of you need and want, and then be intentional about developing the parts of you together that you share.  I would be curious about what you observe from your Venn diagram experiment.