Love / Hate Relationship With December?

Love / Hate Relationship With December
Love / Hate Relationship With December?

The Christmas season is here. Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or dread? Do you have a love / hate relationship with December?

For many years, I had a love/hate relationship with December and the whole Christmas season.  This was especially true after some members of my family left the church.  I started to wonder if all of my efforts to help my family love Christmas would ever work out. You know, the reason for the season, which is the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Was I the reason that some of my children and spouse no longer even believe that there is a Savior?

Many of us mothers are particularly sensitive and vulnerable during the Christmas season. As self-described “Christmas magic makers”, we feel responsible for making this the best time of the year for everyone we love.

What went wrong?

As a matter of fact, many of my “natural woman” tendencies can be particularly active during this time of the year:

My “Inner Judge” likes to point out all the ways that I am falling short during December. Someone who has it all together would have taken family photos. Written personal Christmas cards to friends. Planned exciting activities. Gone shopping to buy the perfect personal gifts for everyone on her list. Most important of all – managed to bring the “true spirit” into her home everyday in December. 

Other characters in my mind…

The “Controlling” part of my personality is screaming that if everyone would just follow MY plan the holiday would be perfect!

My personal “Stickler”, the one who loves all the rules and keeps track of all the things I “should” be doing, and letting me know where I fall short. 

My inner “Victim” feels so sorry for herself – everyone else has a perfectly behaved family.  Poor, poor me, I have to make do with what I have instead of the perfect life everyone else I know has. 

And finally, the “People Pleaser” in me tries to keep everyone happy all the time. Even though this is an impossible task, we think I can do. If anyone is less than happy, I failed indeed. I wrote about the “People Pleaser” in a previous blog post.

What else would we expect?

Is it any wonder that I had a love/hate relationship with Christmas? 

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you??

Somewhere over the past few years I have discovered the spiritual gift of COMPASSION. This gift, is the gift of empathy and the desire to relieve my own and others’ suffering. This gift has allowed me to quiet those inner voices and approach the Christmas season with joy and anticipation. I’m happy to report that those inner critical voices are so quiet now that I can barely hear them.

With this gift, I am changed. I am currently looking forward to the holiday with love and anticipation.

How about you?

If you are dreading the Christmas season, I invite you to schedule an time to let me coach you early in December.

You know who you are…

I would love for your December to have more love and compassion and fewer critical inner voices. Schedule 50 minutes with me and we will identify your inner critical voices. We can talk about how to quiet them so you can feel the love and peace you desire.

Perhaps your Christmas season is already perfect and you have a friend that could benefit from some help with those above inner voices?   If you know someone that could use a dose of self-compassion this time of year, please share this gift with them.

This is simply a gift I am sharing.  You can be confident knowing there is NO cost, NO pressure, and NO sales pitch.  Simple coaching to help you make your Christmas season merrier and brighter than ever.  Click the link below.

Yes!  I want the gift of Compassion for Christmas!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling
Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

The three pillars of my Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program are to love ourselves, love God and love others. Learning to love any of these people takes determination and focus. However I think it’s harder to love ourselves on a consistent basis than it is to love God or others.  Let me tell you about revelation & prayer journaling. It’s AMAZING!

I am always vulnerable to my own harsh judgments.  Perhaps you too?

One of the ways that I have learned to love myself is by committing to a morning devotional time that strengthens my spirit, my body and my emotional & mental health. 

I spoke about my entire morning time a previous blog post about my “Morning Devotionals“.

My morning devotionals include:

  • Prayer
  • Music
  • Scriptures
  • Journaling
  • Studying
  • Moving my body
  • Meditation
  • Mindset Work
  • Belief Plan

As part of this practice that strengthens my spirit and my love for self, I spend some time doing what I call “Revelation & Prayer Journaling”. Each morning that I take the time to do this, I leave feeling spiritually uplifted and renewed. Because I am so thankful for all of you who read my emails, especially when you reach out and let me know they are helping you, I want to share my Revelation & Prayer Journaling page template and instructions with you. 

Why do I spend all this time?

Here is a partial list of the daily benefits that I have received from this process:

  • I am a better person at the end of my devotional time than I was when I started.
  • I have much more enthusiasm for the day when I take the time in the morning to talk things over with God.
  • I feel impressions that I try to follow.
  • I feel like I am guided.
  • I make better choices.
  • I love people more.
  • I am not distracted by the news.
  • I don’t over-react when something doesn’t happen the way I want it to because I have a broader perspective.
  • I am more accepting of myself and others.
  • I allow myself to feel all of my emotions – even the negative ones like grief, worry or sadness.

Enjoy!

The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

The Road To Abilene - A Trip To Resentment
The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase “Low Candor and High Courtesy” applied to many of us at church.  In this phrase, “low candor” means we don’t exactly share the full truth. The term “high courtesy” means we do this because we want to be kind to others.

When my husband was a young manager at Boeing, he was sent to a course that included a 1984 movie titled “The Abilene Paradox”. During the first six minutes, the movie showed two couples sitting on the porch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. One man in the group casually suggested to the others that they could drive to Abilene, Texas for supper.  One by one, each of the other people agreed to go on this 53-mile drive on a hot summer’s day. By the time they got home, tired, hot (no air conditioners), sweaty and grumpy, each of them shared that they never really wanted to go in the first place. The man that offered the idea also said “I didn’t want to go to Abilene to begin with, I was just making conversation!”   “Low Candor and High Courtesy”.

So, the lesson from the Abilene Paradox is that when everyone agrees to do something that nobody really wants to do – to be kind to others, EVERYONE will likely be disappointed with the outcome. 

“Are we on the road to Abilene?” became a favorite family question when we were attempting to make decisions as a family. 

You can watch this video for yourself

Recently we discovered a copy of this old video on YouTube, and my husband and I watched it again. (End at about 4:35 seconds into the video.)   Yup, even after all these years, we still occasionally find ourselves going 90 MPH on the Road to Abilene!  

One thing we’ve realized that we especially need in our mixed-faith-marriage is clear communication. Even when it takes a little extra time and patience to hammer out what we are each thinking and meaning, it is worth it.

Another example

After watching the movie together, we discussed the story and who we thought was to blame for everyone going to Abilene. I thought the person who made the suggestion to go when he didn’t really want to go was dishonest.  He was probably suggesting an activity that he hoped no one would take him up on. My husband thought it was fine to make a suggestion, but the dishonest people were the rest of the group who said “yes”, just to be polite.  Each of you will need to decide who you think was to blame for yourselves. 

An example of NOT being on the Road to Abilene

Recently, my husband asked me to go with him to an RV show a few miles away.  I quickly thought about his offer, knowing it was Sunday, it was hot, there was a lot of walking and really, if you’ve seen 100 RV’s, you’ve probably seen them all…  So what do you think I decided?   I concluded that being with him on a Sunday afternoon doing something he really wanted to do was more important to me than the rest of my arguments. We were NOT on the road to Abilene. We went and actually had a great time together, and as I predicted, no RV’s followed us home.

Here is an example of BEING on the Road to Abilene

On another occasion, my husband invited me to go out to dinner at a place he thought I might like.  I said yes because I thought it was someplace he wanted to go.  (But I really didn’t like that place.) When we got home, neither of us had enjoyed our meal, and I was really grumpy when I found out he didn’t like the restaurant either! He was just being kind and thoughtful because he thought I liked it.  I decided to go because I thought he wanted to go. In my way, I too was also trying to be kind and thoughtful.

It turns out neither of us are being kind and thoughtful when we are not honest about what we want.  Actually, this can be a recipe for resentment. This is where our improving communication skills come in handy. 

A Christmas example

When you are in a mixed-faith marriage, opportunities abound for trips to Abilene. A previous blog post about making Christmas “perfect” for all is a good example of trying to please everyone.

The solution?  Although we may be in a “low candor, high courtesy” culture, being honest about what we want is more important than trying to go along with others that are simply trying to make us happy.

I know you’ve all been there!  The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment. I would love to hear your version of being on “The Road to Abilene” – just leave a comment.