Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Distorted view

Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Earlier this week, I had cataract surgery to remove a blurry cataract and replace it with a new lens that has greatly improved my vision.

Typically, if there are cataracts in both eyes, they do one eye at a time with a week or so in between the procedures.

I am in between surgeries this week and have one eye with a new lens and one eye with a blurry cataract. 

The experience has been very “eye-opening”!  (pun intended) 

What a difference!!

When I put my hand over my eye with the blurry cataract and look through my new lens, everything is perfectly in focus, and bright. The whites are amazingly white!

When I put my hand over the repaired eye and look out of the eye with the bad cataract, things are a little fuzzy, a little dirty, dull and dingy looking. 

I am so astonished that I’ve been playing this game of covering my eyes over and over. It is hard to believe believe the difference! I didn’t know how poor and distorted my vision had become.  Surgery gave me new clarity that I didn’t even know I had lost.

Other Distortions

Through this experience I’ve realized that I often have unclear and distorted views in other areas of my life. For example, when my family members left their LDS faith and I decided that I still wanted to remain a faithful member of the church, I started “seeing” differently. 

Some things were a clear improvement, like learning to really love others even when they believe in the gospel differently than I do.

At the same time, other things were not an improvement and even became distorted.
Things related to the church like: 

  • Where do I fit in the church community now that my husband doesn’t attend?
  • How do I participate at church in a way that works for me and my family? 
  • What does home centered worship mean when I am the only member at home? 

Do Any Of These Questions Sound Familiar To You?

Unfortunately, not everything I tried to address these questions was helpful for me, my faith or my family. 

The unbelievable thing was that, because of the hurt and pain I experienced during that time of my life, I couldn’t see the distortions.  Like failing cataracts, these experiences discolored everything.

One of the things that helped me replace my distorted “thinking cataracts” with clearer thoughts was the process of learning to talk with God and get clear answers to my prayers.  I started to recognize the thoughts and feelings that were helping me and the ones that were hurting me. Combining “thought work & revelation” helped my vision to clear up – a LOT.  Revelation and Prayer Journaling is another practice that has helped me.

Let Me Help You Clear Up Your Distortions

If you are or have experienced these types of thought distortions due to members of your family leaving the LDS faith, or other life events, I can help you clear up some of the distortions and regain clarity.

Limited Time Offer

With the end of summer and the start of a new school year, September is often a time for new beginnings and routines, so I am offering an “End of Summer Clarity” coaching special to help you see some of your critical life experiences more clearly.

For the next 2 weeks I am offering a limited number of 3 session coaching packages for $375 only $249. For those of you who are NOT struggling with fitting into your faith community, take advantage of this great sale to talk about what YOU are struggling with. 

Why wait?  Sign up today and start seeing some distorted thoughts with new clarity.

I would love to help you clear up some thought distortions that may have crept into your life. 

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

I Followed The Formula

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learning to be a member by observing those around me as well as being taught by goodly parents.

I learned to serve, lead, teach, pray and participate from parents & grandparents, who put the church first in their lives. 

I followed the prescribed pattern for church membership that was modeled for me. 

I taught my children the way that I was taught, by example and direct instruction. 

Then Something Unexpected Happened

Fast forward a few years ago when nothing prepared me for my husband and some of our children stepping away from the church.  Leaving me as the believing member in my household. I never realized how much support in our faith we get from our family members.

Without my family to share in the gospel, I felt lonely.  I still need to worship with a community and I love being part of the “Body of Christ”. 

That Got Me Thinking 

There isn’t really anything to help our leaders or friends at church know what we might need or how to support us in mixed-faith families.  Also, I know our church friends aren’t  telepathic…

So, I created a list of things that I try and use with my ward family.

5 ways that the Church can support my mixed-faith family: 

  1. Give me a calling – I love being able to serve and would love a calling that lets me be needed at church. 
  2. Give me opportunities to serve others – These opportunities often work better for me as an invitation and not an assignment. 
  3. Talk with me about what my needs are – If my name ever comes up in Ward Council or any other meeting, don’t ask anyone else what they think I need. Please talk to me directly. There is no one who understands my needs better than I do.
  4. Talk with me directly about what you expect from me and allow me to explain my circumstances. – Sign-up sheets, emails and Facebook announcements are often good for group communications, but other times nothing can take the place of a 1:1 conversation. 
  5. Be kind and welcoming – When my family chooses to attend anything with me – it makes it hard when people act like lightning has struck should my husband come to church.  Frequently, church members have nothing to talk about – but the church. I want my family members to feel comfortable around other church members, simply as friends.  

BONUS – One additional way that I can make it easier for the Church to support me.

I need to know what I need – and I need to speak up about it. I can’t expect friends, leaders or ministers at church to notice what I need or offer it to me. It’s my responsibility to let them know when I need a blessing, help with gluten-free sacrament, or receive ministering.  I need to ask for the help I need. 

How About You?

Do any of the above ideas resonate with you? 

Are some of these ways the church can support you in a mixed-faith family something you can share with members of your Ward?

Sometimes we can all use a little support.

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Burdened with load of care

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Several weeks ago, I was asked to lead this week’s discussion in Relief Society. The General Conference talk we will be discussing is “Just Keep Going – With Faith”, which is a talk about overcoming discouragement and moving forward.

This week my family got discouraging and disheartening news.

I thought, I “should” know how to deal with hard things!

  • I know how to pray
  • I know how to hand things over to God
  • I know thoughtwork
  • I know how to see the “gifts” life’s challenges bring
  • I know how to re-write my stories
  • I know how to shift into my sage wisdom
  • I know how to recognize and feel my feelings

I have ALL the tools. 

However, let me tell you a little secret.

What actually made things better was acknowledging that I feel discouraged – and that it’s OK to feel discouraged.  Anyone in this situation would feel this way.  We know in time that strong feelings pass and new realities get normalized.

In those moments when discouragement hits us hard, the “tools” don’t really make things better.

Additional Things That Help Me

In addition to all of the above tools, I have a few additional go-to strategies that bring me peace:

  • I listen to what I call “morning birdsong symphonies” from the birds in my yard and pray and meditate to the sound.
  • Since I am a gardener, my garden is a place of refuge and peace for me.
  • Yesterday I spent time in my garden watering, tying up heavy poppies, removing aphids, watching ladybugs eat aphids,picking zinnias, removing the leaves from their stems and arranging them in a vase, all the while noticing their remarkable colors. 
  • Korean Yoga and Tai Chi movements help me move strong feelings through my body.
  • And, of course, a good nap…

Perhaps This Is You?

Women whose spouse and/or children are leaving the church are familiar with facing new and discouraging changes in their lives. Just like my story above, we need to stop and allow the grief before we can “Just Keep Going – With Faith”.  

I am grateful for the wisdom to know that discouragement and grief need a little time to process. As usual, I will bring a unique perspective to my Relief Society lesson tomorrow. 

In addition to time, sometimes we need a little help and encouragement to keep going as we pass through seemingly insurmountable trials.  Often we just need to express our sorrow and discouragement out loud to a listening ear .

Lee, if I can assist you in this process, and help you keep going with faith, I’m here.

Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

Lasting Memories Scrapbook Store

There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

About 13 years ago, I owned a scrapbook store, and during those years everyone seemed to be into scrapbooking. It was delightful helping all my customers tell their family stories. I also loved being able to share my own family stories. I consider myself a storyteller and believe that we learn so much about ourselves and our families through the stories we tell.  It helps us make sense of our lives and our families. (Of course we learn even more if our stories have pictures!)

As a lifecoach, I see the power of stories and storytelling every day. However, they are not necessarily the kind of stories that we scrapbook. Each of us is living out the stories of our lives that we have created. I hear stories of those who have overcome challenges and are using those challenges to build a better life. I talk to people who feel at the mercy of others because they believe that others in their lives have more say in their story than they do.

The story that you tell yourself creates your present and your future.

In the self-coaching thought model, our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions and our actions create the results that we observe in our lives. 

But, what if we don’t like what we are creating in our lives?

Changing Our Stories

The simple answer is to change our story – or the thoughts that drive our actions and results.  I’ve previously written about becoming the heroin in your own story.

But it’s NOT that easy.

If it were, everyone would feel like they have complete control over their lives.

#1 It’s really hard to catch our own damaging stories – they feel so true.

Then, even when we see our stories, it’s hard to stop telling them because they are so engrained.

And finally, it’s really easy to relapse into these not helpful stories by default.

My Offer To You

This summer I am working on re-writing some of my own disempowering stories and I would love to help YOU examine your unhelpful stories.  You can discover a better story, a vision of yourself where you are stronger, wiser and more courageous than you ever believed.  And then I will help you practice becoming that strong, wise and brave person. 

Is now the time for you to change some of your stories?

If so, simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

Heroine in our own stories

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

I love the notion that by small and simple things, we can make BIG changes, but sometimes there are just BIG changes in our lives that we have to adapt to…

Changes In My Life

That happened to me 7 years ago when my husband left the LDS faith. So many of the foundations of our marriage centered around a common belief. I had to adjust my relationship with him and also my relationship with my own faith, because of the ripple effects from his loss of faith.

Over these past 7 years, I’ve developed my own story about my identity as the believing member in my family. Some of these stories are really powerful, such as the confidence I’ve developed to take charge of all religious observances in my home. Some of my stories are disempowering, like my belief that women in my position are invisible at church.

Updating Our Stories

We all have stories that we hang on to. Some of them started as helpful and useful to help us through a hard change. Often our stories are outdated and no longer useful.

Several of our stories need to be updated.

One of my summer projects is to examine my beliefs and stories about my faith identity and to update those stories with new ones that fit all the growth that I’ve experienced in the past 7 years.

This may be a good summer for you to look at your own stories, because we all have them. Do your stories still work for you? Are they helping you to grow? Do you like who you are in them? Or are they keeping you stuck and maybe at the mercy of others?

An Offer To Help

I would love to help you update your stories. Together we will look at what your current stories are creating for your life and then we will decide what you want to emphasize and create in your new stories. Finally, you will choose and practice the beliefs that help you become the heroine in your own story.

Does this sound like fun?  Maybe not – because honestly, some parts are just really hard work. But it’s a good hard work!  It’s a worthwhile and satisfying effort, and I would love to be part of your work.

Perhaps now is the time for you to change some of your outdated stories?  I would love to help you get started. Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members That Are Leaving The Church

Very recently, one of my clients recently approached me with the following questions:

The questions: “How do I have a better relationship with my daughter who has left the church?  She is attacking the church on social media, and that’s all she wants to talk about with me.”  And their follow-up question was, “I want to love and understand my daughter without listening and reading all the things she is listening to and reading. How do I do that?“

Here is how I answered my client:

Without taking into account your daughter’s actual words, what do you think she is thinking and feeling right now? 

It sounds like she is definitely angry with the church. She probably has many negative feelings about the church and wants you to validate those feelings. This is very common for us humans. We want our family to share the same beliefs and do the same things. It sounds like she loves you and may simply want the best for you. She may believe the best thing for you – is for you to leave the church too. 

You can and should validate her feelings:

Frequently, this is hard for us to do because we believe if we validate someone’s feelings, we are condoning or agreeing with their actions. Therefore, how can we love angry family members leaving the church, without accepting or agreeing with their ideas?

The word “condone” means to accept and allow something that you consider morally wrong or offensive, as acceptable.  

You can validate the hurt your family member feels without agreeing with them on other issues. You can show empathy and compassion for what they are going through.  Perhaps you could say something similar to: “This topic sounds like it really hurts, is that how you feel?”

Then LISTEN!

Validating their feelings doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them endlessly talk negatively about the church. You don’t need to listen to all the information they is listening to.  You can decide in advance how much listening you want to do, and then set a limit. Perhaps say something like: “Sweetie, I love you and want to understand your thoughts, but this stuff is hard for me to listen to.  Let’s set a timer for 10 minutes, then find something else to do that we both enjoy.”

The formula I use is:

  1. Reassure them of your love.
  2. Decide how much you can listen to.
  3. Set a limit, and stick to it.
  4. Remind them we each get to choose what we believe. 
  5. Suggest a different activity you both enjoy.

These conversations can be hard. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t have them perfectly the first few times. It’s ok and it can take practice to learn how to respond to your child. Never the less, if you use genuine love and compassion for them, you can improve your relationship with them by making the effort to understand them better.

My offer to help:

In my Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program, I work one-on-one with women to work through things just like the above example. I help them navigate their relationships with loved ones who are leaving the church. If you are in the above situation, I can help you too.  I can help you continue loving family members leaving the church – even if they are angry.

Are you worried about your eternal family? Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman is the place for you to learn to build strong relationships within your mixed-faith family, while also using your strength and wisdom to be a light to them.

If this is something you may be interested in, let’s talk. 

Click on my picture below and sign up for a free 45 minute chat. 

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships. 

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!