It’s NOT about ME!

It's NOT about ME!
It’s NOT about ME!

A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from a loved one with discouraging news. 

For some reason I was not able to gather my thoughts together and make sense of what happened. Or even know how to respond.  Ultimately, I had to end our call to process the news. 

My mind went to the conversation with my loved ones, and why I couldn’t respond. After thinking about it a bit, I realized that my first thoughts were about me and not them. Strangely, my mind was making their news all about my feelings, thoughts and concerns. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect them, except by way of how it was affecting me. 

One of the hard parts about being willing to do the work of making ourselves better is discovering really embarrassing things about ourselves. This was one of those embarrassing moments for me… 😳

The character trait that I was trying to avoid here was being “self-centered“. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines self-centered as “concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests“

It’s NOT About ME!

The life lesson I relearned this week was, when we make it about us, we can’t respond to those in need. We can’t mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We can’t lift the hands that hang down or strengthen the feeble knees. We can only worry about how it will affect you.

Thinking about ourselves first is a very common reaction from those of us who have loved ones who have left the church. We typically get all wrapped up in how this news affects us. How will we look at church? What if our loved one wants to bring home their girl or boyfriend to stay overnight with us? Why are we are hurting?

Things do take time to sort through

We do need time to process these things. To maintain a strong connection with our loved ones, we really need to have the eyes and the heart to see how this information is affecting them. What do they think about how others are thinking and talking about them?  Are they afraid that we will reject their girl or boyfriend? Where are their pains?

Sometimes apologies are in order

I called my loved ones back that afternoon and apologized for my reaction, and told them that I wanted to be supportive of them. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very good at it yet, and asked for their understanding and patience. After I hung up, my brain was able to start thinking of ways that I could support them. With practice, I was making it about them,  (the people with the problem) and NOT about how it would affect me. 

For a few minutes after our 2nd phone conversation I was able to bask in the glow of being someone who was learning. Learning to walk the talk of all the things I am learning for myself and teaching others. This is what it feels like to be a follower of Christ. 

Recently I’ve been consiously practicing thinking more about others, and not just about me. I’ve found that making lasting changes frequently take time and practice. Like so many areas of my life, I am still a work in progress…

Lesson for today? We all just need to remember, It’s NOT about ME!

Help Thou Mine Unbelief

Help Thou Mine Unbelief
Help Thou Mine Unbelief

Recently, I went to BYU Education Week and attended several classes that apply to mixed-faith families. I learned and re-learned so much that I wanted to share some of my impressions with you.

Dr. Scott Braithwaite is a professor at BYU and a psychologist. He taught a class titled “Help Thou Mine Unbelief – Supporting those we love through a faith crisis”. I thought the title fit me perfectly. As my husband and children were questioning their beliefs, I had to re-examine my own beliefs. Things that had seemed so simple at one time, suddenly seemed more complex. Through my spouse’s eyes, I could see some flaws, inconsistencies, oversimplifications. I found that I had many unanswered questions with the way I had previously believed. For a while I felt anxious, like I had lost my footing. 

Stages of faith

Dr. Braithwaite addressed this common story by describing a model of faith and belief. This concept, developed by James Fowler, is called the “Stages of Faith”. The 6 stages of faith explain how so many people can see faith in different ways.

Faith stages 3-5 are usually the stages involved in a faith crisis and resolution.

Stage 3 level of faith; your faith community provides answers to your faith questions. Faith is simple and usually conforms to your community.

Stage 4 comes when things all of the sudden don’t seem that simple. There may be a personal or global event, crisis, or disaster that throws our beliefs into question.

Stage 5 is acknowledgement and acceptance that we don’t have all the answers. In fact we may never have the answers, while making peace with uncertainty. 

When people move through these stages of faith, some find peace by rediscovering their faith. Others may find peace by leaving their faith or continuing their search elsewhere.

Lessons from Hawaii

One of my favorite activities in Hawaii is playing in the surf, however it wasn’t always a favorite activity. Initially, I would wade out where I felt comfortable, with the sand underneath my feet. The problem was that the larger waves would knock me over and push me up onto the beach. Then I would gulp ocean water and get covered in sand. I hated that! 

Eventually, I learned to wade out just a little further. I waded just past being able to touch the bottom. Letting myself relax and simply bob up and down with the waves was the secret. I let the waves gently push me back and forth. I gave up control and enjoyed the surf.  That weightless feeling of gently drifting with the waves. 

Help Thou Mine Unbelief

This reminds me of finding my faith, even when others around me were losing theirs.  It seemed like I eventually surrendered control and handed it over to God. I also watched how other faithful followers were navigating the same thing. Ultimately I came around to an even firmer faith. A faith that relies less on myself and more on the Grace of God. I was able to simply feel the waves and enjoy my faith. 

Dr. Braithwaite suggested that this is where we can help our loved ones through their faith crises. Not by providing them with answers to their questions, but by loving, listening, supporting and accepting them. Helping in this way while they learn to accept that life isn’t simple. It turns out that we may never have all the answers. 

This is a hard concept for spouses and parents to accept. We want to believe that there is a formula we can follow that will “fix” our doubting loved ones. Unfortunately, there just isn’t one. 

Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters

One way to better understand what a non-believing spouse is thinking is to talk about important topics. Last year my husband and I captured a list of the questions. Questions for each of us to answer as he was leaving the church. Talking with each other and understanding the responses was helpful for both of us. We called this list “LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters“.

This is where I can help. As a life coach, I work with women who have loved ones leaving the church. I can help you find answers to your questions. Some questions you didn’t even have before members of your family started questioning their faith.  I can help you find your footing and the peace that can bring into your life. Occasionally we just hope that someone can “Help Thou Mine Unbelief”.

Let’s talk!