Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

I Followed The Formula

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learning to be a member by observing those around me as well as being taught by goodly parents.

I learned to serve, lead, teach, pray and participate from parents & grandparents, who put the church first in their lives. 

I followed the prescribed pattern for church membership that was modeled for me. 

I taught my children the way that I was taught, by example and direct instruction. 

Then Something Unexpected Happened

Fast forward a few years ago when nothing prepared me for my husband and some of our children stepping away from the church.  Leaving me as the believing member in my household. I never realized how much support in our faith we get from our family members.

Without my family to share in the gospel, I felt lonely.  I still need to worship with a community and I love being part of the “Body of Christ”. 

That Got Me Thinking 

There isn’t really anything to help our leaders or friends at church know what we might need or how to support us in mixed-faith families.  Also, I know our church friends aren’t  telepathic…

So, I created a list of things that I try and use with my ward family.

5 ways that the Church can support my mixed-faith family: 

  1. Give me a calling – I love being able to serve and would love a calling that lets me be needed at church. 
  2. Give me opportunities to serve others – These opportunities often work better for me as an invitation and not an assignment. 
  3. Talk with me about what my needs are – If my name ever comes up in Ward Council or any other meeting, don’t ask anyone else what they think I need. Please talk to me directly. There is no one who understands my needs better than I do.
  4. Talk with me directly about what you expect from me and allow me to explain my circumstances. – Sign-up sheets, emails and Facebook announcements are often good for group communications, but other times nothing can take the place of a 1:1 conversation. 
  5. Be kind and welcoming – When my family chooses to attend anything with me – it makes it hard when people act like lightning has struck should my husband come to church.  Frequently, church members have nothing to talk about – but the church. I want my family members to feel comfortable around other church members, simply as friends.  

BONUS – One additional way that I can make it easier for the Church to support me.

I need to know what I need – and I need to speak up about it. I can’t expect friends, leaders or ministers at church to notice what I need or offer it to me. It’s my responsibility to let them know when I need a blessing, help with gluten-free sacrament, or receive ministering.  I need to ask for the help I need. 

How About You?

Do any of the above ideas resonate with you? 

Are some of these ways the church can support you in a mixed-faith family something you can share with members of your Ward?

Sometimes we can all use a little support.

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

Heroine in our own stories

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

I love the notion that by small and simple things, we can make BIG changes, but sometimes there are just BIG changes in our lives that we have to adapt to…

Changes In My Life

That happened to me 7 years ago when my husband left the LDS faith. So many of the foundations of our marriage centered around a common belief. I had to adjust my relationship with him and also my relationship with my own faith, because of the ripple effects from his loss of faith.

Over these past 7 years, I’ve developed my own story about my identity as the believing member in my family. Some of these stories are really powerful, such as the confidence I’ve developed to take charge of all religious observances in my home. Some of my stories are disempowering, like my belief that women in my position are invisible at church.

Updating Our Stories

We all have stories that we hang on to. Some of them started as helpful and useful to help us through a hard change. Often our stories are outdated and no longer useful.

Several of our stories need to be updated.

One of my summer projects is to examine my beliefs and stories about my faith identity and to update those stories with new ones that fit all the growth that I’ve experienced in the past 7 years.

This may be a good summer for you to look at your own stories, because we all have them. Do your stories still work for you? Are they helping you to grow? Do you like who you are in them? Or are they keeping you stuck and maybe at the mercy of others?

An Offer To Help

I would love to help you update your stories. Together we will look at what your current stories are creating for your life and then we will decide what you want to emphasize and create in your new stories. Finally, you will choose and practice the beliefs that help you become the heroine in your own story.

Does this sound like fun?  Maybe not – because honestly, some parts are just really hard work. But it’s a good hard work!  It’s a worthwhile and satisfying effort, and I would love to be part of your work.

Perhaps now is the time for you to change some of your outdated stories?  I would love to help you get started. Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships. 

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!

The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

The Road To Abilene - A Trip To Resentment
The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase “Low Candor and High Courtesy” applied to many of us at church.  In this phrase, “low candor” means we don’t exactly share the full truth. The term “high courtesy” means we do this because we want to be kind to others.

When my husband was a young manager at Boeing, he was sent to a course that included a 1984 movie titled “The Abilene Paradox”. During the first six minutes, the movie showed two couples sitting on the porch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. One man in the group casually suggested to the others that they could drive to Abilene, Texas for supper.  One by one, each of the other people agreed to go on this 53-mile drive on a hot summer’s day. By the time they got home, tired, hot (no air conditioners), sweaty and grumpy, each of them shared that they never really wanted to go in the first place. The man that offered the idea also said “I didn’t want to go to Abilene to begin with, I was just making conversation!”   “Low Candor and High Courtesy”.

So, the lesson from the Abilene Paradox is that when everyone agrees to do something that nobody really wants to do – to be kind to others, EVERYONE will likely be disappointed with the outcome. 

“Are we on the road to Abilene?” became a favorite family question when we were attempting to make decisions as a family. 

You can watch this video for yourself

Recently we discovered a copy of this old video on YouTube, and my husband and I watched it again. (End at about 4:35 seconds into the video.)   Yup, even after all these years, we still occasionally find ourselves going 90 MPH on the Road to Abilene!  

One thing we’ve realized that we especially need in our mixed-faith-marriage is clear communication. Even when it takes a little extra time and patience to hammer out what we are each thinking and meaning, it is worth it.

Another example

After watching the movie together, we discussed the story and who we thought was to blame for everyone going to Abilene. I thought the person who made the suggestion to go when he didn’t really want to go was dishonest.  He was probably suggesting an activity that he hoped no one would take him up on. My husband thought it was fine to make a suggestion, but the dishonest people were the rest of the group who said “yes”, just to be polite.  Each of you will need to decide who you think was to blame for yourselves. 

An example of NOT being on the Road to Abilene

Recently, my husband asked me to go with him to an RV show a few miles away.  I quickly thought about his offer, knowing it was Sunday, it was hot, there was a lot of walking and really, if you’ve seen 100 RV’s, you’ve probably seen them all…  So what do you think I decided?   I concluded that being with him on a Sunday afternoon doing something he really wanted to do was more important to me than the rest of my arguments. We were NOT on the road to Abilene. We went and actually had a great time together, and as I predicted, no RV’s followed us home.

Here is an example of BEING on the Road to Abilene

On another occasion, my husband invited me to go out to dinner at a place he thought I might like.  I said yes because I thought it was someplace he wanted to go.  (But I really didn’t like that place.) When we got home, neither of us had enjoyed our meal, and I was really grumpy when I found out he didn’t like the restaurant either! He was just being kind and thoughtful because he thought I liked it.  I decided to go because I thought he wanted to go. In my way, I too was also trying to be kind and thoughtful.

It turns out neither of us are being kind and thoughtful when we are not honest about what we want.  Actually, this can be a recipe for resentment. This is where our improving communication skills come in handy. 

A Christmas example

When you are in a mixed-faith marriage, opportunities abound for trips to Abilene. A previous blog post about making Christmas “perfect” for all is a good example of trying to please everyone.

The solution?  Although we may be in a “low candor, high courtesy” culture, being honest about what we want is more important than trying to go along with others that are simply trying to make us happy.

I know you’ve all been there!  The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment. I would love to hear your version of being on “The Road to Abilene” – just leave a comment.

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children
Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

I recently visited the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I was fascinated by the barbed wire exhibit. There were 1,000’s of different varieties of barbed wire!

Likewise, I was fascinated to find a much smaller barbed wire exhibit at the Museum of Idaho last week.  The exhibit displayed barbed wire styles that were unique to each rancher. When you saw a certain style of barbed wire you knew who’s property you were on. Then I wondered if my family had their own style of barbed wire? A question that there is probably no one left to answer… 

It turns out that barbed wire forever changed the way that ranchers kept beef cattle in the American West. Previous to barbed wire, there was no cost-effective way to confine cattle. The creatures mostly roamed free on the open range. Once barbed wire was invented, cattle were fenced. Ranchers could increase their herds without the fear of losing cattle to cliffs, bad plants or mixing with other herds.

So what’s the point of all this barbed wire talk?

I loved looking at all the types of barbed wire. But, it made me think about the function played by the barbed wire.  It set boundaries, to keep cattle in and predators and rustlers out. 

We each have our own variety of figurative “barbed wire” for our personal boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way to define who we are as individuals. They define what we will and will not hold ourselves responsible for. Learning to create healthy boundaries is an important part of our self-care. 

Boundaries and our children

But, just as barbed wire keeps cattle in, it also keeps unwanted critters or people out.  It’s this aspect that I wanted to talk about today. As mothers of adult children, it’s so easy to think of our children as an extension of us.  Sometimes we forget the plan is for training them to manage their own lives, separate from us.  As they grow in abilities, our children need to develop healthy boundaries. The do this to live their own lives without interference from their parents.

This can be frightening for us parents, since we love our children and want to stay close and protect them. We may not recognize our children’s “barbed wire boundary”. We may attempt to break through it, by offering helpful observations or advice.  In mixed-faith families, repeating helpful reminders of the religious teachings that you taught them to make their life “better”.

Our rationale is that we only want what’s best for our child. We have more life experience, and we are only trying to be helpful.

Wisdom from Twitter

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, always”.

I agree with this, although I don’t always practice what I preach. Occasionally I do have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice to my adult kids… Then I end up having to apologize when/if I recognize I’ve overstepped their boundaries.

Perhaps you feel like you have been caught in barbed wire in your relationship with your adult child? Or you might be trying to break down a boundary they have established to create independence from you?  Is there a better way for you to have a relationship with your adult child? 

Perhaps I can help?

If you need help answering these questions, coaching might be a great fit for you. I have learned to better create boundaries for myself. Additionally I am better at recognizing the boundaries our kids and others have set for us.

Would you like to discuss “Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children” or your situation? Feel free to select a convenient time and we can Just Talk. 

Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Venn Diagrams And Relationships
Venn Diagrams And Relationships

Lately I’ve become obsessed with Venn diagrams!  Ya, I know, weird… Here is a dictionary definition of Venn diagrams. It is a little wordy and vague, but you will get the idea.

You know those overlapping circles we learned about in elementary school that helped us determine what two separate things had in common?

I can’t stop looking at the interrelationships.

One Venn diagram that I have been looking at a lot lately is one of myself and my husband, Lee. I started paying attention to it to see if we had the Goldilocks principle down – were we overlapping too much, not enough or just right?

What I ended up discovering is our “before” and “after” snapshot of when Lee left the church. 

You know how you create before and after images in your mind of a “better” time as compared to now? Sometimes I think about sitting in church, holding hands with Lee, and I really long for that.

Romance and Venn Diagrams

What I learned when I looked at our Venn diagram was that I have a romantic (but incorrect) view of those days. My husband was really miserable participating at church for several years before he decided to stop attending. He did not have a life outside of the church and his career. We did church things together and separately, but we didn’t both enjoy them. 

In the years since Lee left the LDS faith, we have grown as a couple and as individuals. Our Venn diagrams reflect that. He retired this year and that has helped him to explore who he is and what he likes. We have mindfully and intentionally developed the parts of the diagram where we overlap and we have mindfully and intentionally developed ourselves individually, and we are both better for it. 

Overlaps and Underlaps

Our overlapping areas are designed to bring us closer together.  For example,  Lee and I have decided that generosity is a value we share. We have a budget category earmarked for generosity. Pretty regularly we look at each at about the same time and decide to “make someone’s day”. It might be a server at a restaurant or someone who helps us in the airport, or even someone just minding their own business.  We find a way to give them a surprisingly significant sum of money. We usually don’t know how our generous moments turn out, but it is something fun we do together that ends up making our day and draws us closer together.  See, Venn Diagrams And Relationships do go together!

A recent blog about a mixed-faith Father’s day shows some overlapping values we celebrated.

You might consider drawing a few Venn diagrams yourself (they can provide all kinds of data) to help you evaluate your relationship with your family members who have left the church. You can see and decide how much and what kind of overlap the two of you need and want, and then be intentional about developing the parts of you together that you share.  I would be curious about what you observe from your Venn diagram experiment. 

It’s NOT about ME!

It's NOT about ME!
It’s NOT about ME!

A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from a loved one with discouraging news. 

For some reason I was not able to gather my thoughts together and make sense of what happened. Or even know how to respond.  Ultimately, I had to end our call to process the news. 

My mind went to the conversation with my loved ones, and why I couldn’t respond. After thinking about it a bit, I realized that my first thoughts were about me and not them. Strangely, my mind was making their news all about my feelings, thoughts and concerns. I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect them, except by way of how it was affecting me. 

One of the hard parts about being willing to do the work of making ourselves better is discovering really embarrassing things about ourselves. This was one of those embarrassing moments for me… 😳

The character trait that I was trying to avoid here was being “self-centered“. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines self-centered as “concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests“

It’s NOT About ME!

The life lesson I relearned this week was, when we make it about us, we can’t respond to those in need. We can’t mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We can’t lift the hands that hang down or strengthen the feeble knees. We can only worry about how it will affect you.

Thinking about ourselves first is a very common reaction from those of us who have loved ones who have left the church. We typically get all wrapped up in how this news affects us. How will we look at church? What if our loved one wants to bring home their girl or boyfriend to stay overnight with us? Why are we are hurting?

Things do take time to sort through

We do need time to process these things. To maintain a strong connection with our loved ones, we really need to have the eyes and the heart to see how this information is affecting them. What do they think about how others are thinking and talking about them?  Are they afraid that we will reject their girl or boyfriend? Where are their pains?

Sometimes apologies are in order

I called my loved ones back that afternoon and apologized for my reaction, and told them that I wanted to be supportive of them. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very good at it yet, and asked for their understanding and patience. After I hung up, my brain was able to start thinking of ways that I could support them. With practice, I was making it about them,  (the people with the problem) and NOT about how it would affect me. 

For a few minutes after our 2nd phone conversation I was able to bask in the glow of being someone who was learning. Learning to walk the talk of all the things I am learning for myself and teaching others. This is what it feels like to be a follower of Christ. 

Recently I’ve been consiously practicing thinking more about others, and not just about me. I’ve found that making lasting changes frequently take time and practice. Like so many areas of my life, I am still a work in progress…

Lesson for today? We all just need to remember, It’s NOT about ME!

Help Thou Mine Unbelief

Help Thou Mine Unbelief
Help Thou Mine Unbelief

Recently, I went to BYU Education Week and attended several classes that apply to mixed-faith families. I learned and re-learned so much that I wanted to share some of my impressions with you.

Dr. Scott Braithwaite is a professor at BYU and a psychologist. He taught a class titled “Help Thou Mine Unbelief – Supporting those we love through a faith crisis”. I thought the title fit me perfectly. As my husband and children were questioning their beliefs, I had to re-examine my own beliefs. Things that had seemed so simple at one time, suddenly seemed more complex. Through my spouse’s eyes, I could see some flaws, inconsistencies, oversimplifications. I found that I had many unanswered questions with the way I had previously believed. For a while I felt anxious, like I had lost my footing. 

Stages of faith

Dr. Braithwaite addressed this common story by describing a model of faith and belief. This concept, developed by James Fowler, is called the “Stages of Faith”. The 6 stages of faith explain how so many people can see faith in different ways.

Faith stages 3-5 are usually the stages involved in a faith crisis and resolution.

Stage 3 level of faith; your faith community provides answers to your faith questions. Faith is simple and usually conforms to your community.

Stage 4 comes when things all of the sudden don’t seem that simple. There may be a personal or global event, crisis, or disaster that throws our beliefs into question.

Stage 5 is acknowledgement and acceptance that we don’t have all the answers. In fact we may never have the answers, while making peace with uncertainty. 

When people move through these stages of faith, some find peace by rediscovering their faith. Others may find peace by leaving their faith or continuing their search elsewhere.

Lessons from Hawaii

One of my favorite activities in Hawaii is playing in the surf, however it wasn’t always a favorite activity. Initially, I would wade out where I felt comfortable, with the sand underneath my feet. The problem was that the larger waves would knock me over and push me up onto the beach. Then I would gulp ocean water and get covered in sand. I hated that! 

Eventually, I learned to wade out just a little further. I waded just past being able to touch the bottom. Letting myself relax and simply bob up and down with the waves was the secret. I let the waves gently push me back and forth. I gave up control and enjoyed the surf.  That weightless feeling of gently drifting with the waves. 

Help Thou Mine Unbelief

This reminds me of finding my faith, even when others around me were losing theirs.  It seemed like I eventually surrendered control and handed it over to God. I also watched how other faithful followers were navigating the same thing. Ultimately I came around to an even firmer faith. A faith that relies less on myself and more on the Grace of God. I was able to simply feel the waves and enjoy my faith. 

Dr. Braithwaite suggested that this is where we can help our loved ones through their faith crises. Not by providing them with answers to their questions, but by loving, listening, supporting and accepting them. Helping in this way while they learn to accept that life isn’t simple. It turns out that we may never have all the answers. 

This is a hard concept for spouses and parents to accept. We want to believe that there is a formula we can follow that will “fix” our doubting loved ones. Unfortunately, there just isn’t one. 

Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters

One way to better understand what a non-believing spouse is thinking is to talk about important topics. Last year my husband and I captured a list of the questions. Questions for each of us to answer as he was leaving the church. Talking with each other and understanding the responses was helpful for both of us. We called this list “LDS Mixed-Faith Conversation Starters“.

This is where I can help. As a life coach, I work with women who have loved ones leaving the church. I can help you find answers to your questions. Some questions you didn’t even have before members of your family started questioning their faith.  I can help you find your footing and the peace that can bring into your life. Occasionally we just hope that someone can “Help Thou Mine Unbelief”.

Let’s talk!