Valuable Resources Available To You

Life Coaching Resources

Valuable Resources Available To You

Who Are You and What Do You Want?

When clients come to me, some of the first questions I ask them are about who they are (their identity) and what they want (purpose).  Often, they don’t know the answer to either of these questions.

Recently I worked with a woman who is married with 5 adult children.  Three of her children had left the church. She was stuck because she couldn’t separate herself from her family.

Her value was all invested in her ability to raise “righteous” children. When some of her kids left the church, she felt  like it was her fault and wondered if she had failed at her most important job. She felt depressed and anxious when we talked about her children. “What more could I have done?” she asked.

We talked about who she is, her roles, her dreams, what she hopes for her life, and her hopes for her family. She started being able to separate her identity from her children’s actions. 

She created some I AM Statements that helped her stay focused on what SHE wanted in her life. Practicing her I AM beliefs helped her to start recognizing who she is and what she wants. 

At our last meeting she was looking forward to doing some things she wanted to do her whole life – but never found time to pursue them . She was also having conversations with her kids and relating to them as individuals. Not as those who were following the gospel path and those who weren’t.  She felt relieved of the burden she had been carrying –  to raise “perfect” kids. 

Valuable Resources Available To You

Resources available to you of my website have a list of worksheets and other information you may find helpful. Some of the worksheets are the exact worksheets that I used to help the above client. (I AM Statements, Life Satisfaction Wheel,  Values and Priorities Workbook, etc.)  Take a look at the Resources page on my website, some of those worksheets might be just what you need to get your life pointed in a new direction. 

My Online Resources May Not Be Enough

Should you need a little more help than the Resources on my website, please reach out.  I would love to work with you on any challenging circumstances in your life.

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children
Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

I recently visited the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I was fascinated by the barbed wire exhibit. There were 1,000’s of different varieties of barbed wire!

Likewise, I was fascinated to find a much smaller barbed wire exhibit at the Museum of Idaho last week.  The exhibit displayed barbed wire styles that were unique to each rancher. When you saw a certain style of barbed wire you knew who’s property you were on. Then I wondered if my family had their own style of barbed wire? A question that there is probably no one left to answer… 

It turns out that barbed wire forever changed the way that ranchers kept beef cattle in the American West. Previous to barbed wire, there was no cost-effective way to confine cattle. The creatures mostly roamed free on the open range. Once barbed wire was invented, cattle were fenced. Ranchers could increase their herds without the fear of losing cattle to cliffs, bad plants or mixing with other herds.

So what’s the point of all this barbed wire talk?

I loved looking at all the types of barbed wire. But, it made me think about the function played by the barbed wire.  It set boundaries, to keep cattle in and predators and rustlers out. 

We each have our own variety of figurative “barbed wire” for our personal boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way to define who we are as individuals. They define what we will and will not hold ourselves responsible for. Learning to create healthy boundaries is an important part of our self-care. 

Boundaries and our children

But, just as barbed wire keeps cattle in, it also keeps unwanted critters or people out.  It’s this aspect that I wanted to talk about today. As mothers of adult children, it’s so easy to think of our children as an extension of us.  Sometimes we forget the plan is for training them to manage their own lives, separate from us.  As they grow in abilities, our children need to develop healthy boundaries. The do this to live their own lives without interference from their parents.

This can be frightening for us parents, since we love our children and want to stay close and protect them. We may not recognize our children’s “barbed wire boundary”. We may attempt to break through it, by offering helpful observations or advice.  In mixed-faith families, repeating helpful reminders of the religious teachings that you taught them to make their life “better”.

Our rationale is that we only want what’s best for our child. We have more life experience, and we are only trying to be helpful.

Wisdom from Twitter

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, always”.

I agree with this, although I don’t always practice what I preach. Occasionally I do have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice to my adult kids… Then I end up having to apologize when/if I recognize I’ve overstepped their boundaries.

Perhaps you feel like you have been caught in barbed wire in your relationship with your adult child? Or you might be trying to break down a boundary they have established to create independence from you?  Is there a better way for you to have a relationship with your adult child? 

Perhaps I can help?

If you need help answering these questions, coaching might be a great fit for you. I have learned to better create boundaries for myself. Additionally I am better at recognizing the boundaries our kids and others have set for us.

Would you like to discuss “Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children” or your situation? Feel free to select a convenient time and we can Just Talk.