Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

Valuable Resources Available To You

Life Coaching Resources

Valuable Resources Available To You

Who Are You and What Do You Want?

When clients come to me, some of the first questions I ask them are about who they are (their identity) and what they want (purpose).  Often, they don’t know the answer to either of these questions.

Recently I worked with a woman who is married with 5 adult children.  Three of her children had left the church. She was stuck because she couldn’t separate herself from her family.

Her value was all invested in her ability to raise “righteous” children. When some of her kids left the church, she felt  like it was her fault and wondered if she had failed at her most important job. She felt depressed and anxious when we talked about her children. “What more could I have done?” she asked.

We talked about who she is, her roles, her dreams, what she hopes for her life, and her hopes for her family. She started being able to separate her identity from her children’s actions. 

She created some I AM Statements that helped her stay focused on what SHE wanted in her life. Practicing her I AM beliefs helped her to start recognizing who she is and what she wants. 

At our last meeting she was looking forward to doing some things she wanted to do her whole life – but never found time to pursue them . She was also having conversations with her kids and relating to them as individuals. Not as those who were following the gospel path and those who weren’t.  She felt relieved of the burden she had been carrying –  to raise “perfect” kids. 

Valuable Resources Available To You

Resources available to you of my website have a list of worksheets and other information you may find helpful. Some of the worksheets are the exact worksheets that I used to help the above client. (I AM Statements, Life Satisfaction Wheel,  Values and Priorities Workbook, etc.)  Take a look at the Resources page on my website, some of those worksheets might be just what you need to get your life pointed in a new direction. 

My Online Resources May Not Be Enough

Should you need a little more help than the Resources on my website, please reach out.  I would love to work with you on any challenging circumstances in your life.

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

I Followed The Formula

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learning to be a member by observing those around me as well as being taught by goodly parents.

I learned to serve, lead, teach, pray and participate from parents & grandparents, who put the church first in their lives. 

I followed the prescribed pattern for church membership that was modeled for me. 

I taught my children the way that I was taught, by example and direct instruction. 

Then Something Unexpected Happened

Fast forward a few years ago when nothing prepared me for my husband and some of our children stepping away from the church.  Leaving me as the believing member in my household. I never realized how much support in our faith we get from our family members.

Without my family to share in the gospel, I felt lonely.  I still need to worship with a community and I love being part of the “Body of Christ”. 

That Got Me Thinking 

There isn’t really anything to help our leaders or friends at church know what we might need or how to support us in mixed-faith families.  Also, I know our church friends aren’t  telepathic…

So, I created a list of things that I try and use with my ward family.

5 ways that the Church can support my mixed-faith family: 

  1. Give me a calling – I love being able to serve and would love a calling that lets me be needed at church. 
  2. Give me opportunities to serve others – These opportunities often work better for me as an invitation and not an assignment. 
  3. Talk with me about what my needs are – If my name ever comes up in Ward Council or any other meeting, don’t ask anyone else what they think I need. Please talk to me directly. There is no one who understands my needs better than I do.
  4. Talk with me directly about what you expect from me and allow me to explain my circumstances. – Sign-up sheets, emails and Facebook announcements are often good for group communications, but other times nothing can take the place of a 1:1 conversation. 
  5. Be kind and welcoming – When my family chooses to attend anything with me – it makes it hard when people act like lightning has struck should my husband come to church.  Frequently, church members have nothing to talk about – but the church. I want my family members to feel comfortable around other church members, simply as friends.  

BONUS – One additional way that I can make it easier for the Church to support me.

I need to know what I need – and I need to speak up about it. I can’t expect friends, leaders or ministers at church to notice what I need or offer it to me. It’s my responsibility to let them know when I need a blessing, help with gluten-free sacrament, or receive ministering.  I need to ask for the help I need. 

How About You?

Do any of the above ideas resonate with you? 

Are some of these ways the church can support you in a mixed-faith family something you can share with members of your Ward?

Sometimes we can all use a little support.

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Burdened with load of care

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Several weeks ago, I was asked to lead this week’s discussion in Relief Society. The General Conference talk we will be discussing is “Just Keep Going – With Faith”, which is a talk about overcoming discouragement and moving forward.

This week my family got discouraging and disheartening news.

I thought, I “should” know how to deal with hard things!

  • I know how to pray
  • I know how to hand things over to God
  • I know thoughtwork
  • I know how to see the “gifts” life’s challenges bring
  • I know how to re-write my stories
  • I know how to shift into my sage wisdom
  • I know how to recognize and feel my feelings

I have ALL the tools. 

However, let me tell you a little secret.

What actually made things better was acknowledging that I feel discouraged – and that it’s OK to feel discouraged.  Anyone in this situation would feel this way.  We know in time that strong feelings pass and new realities get normalized.

In those moments when discouragement hits us hard, the “tools” don’t really make things better.

Additional Things That Help Me

In addition to all of the above tools, I have a few additional go-to strategies that bring me peace:

  • I listen to what I call “morning birdsong symphonies” from the birds in my yard and pray and meditate to the sound.
  • Since I am a gardener, my garden is a place of refuge and peace for me.
  • Yesterday I spent time in my garden watering, tying up heavy poppies, removing aphids, watching ladybugs eat aphids,picking zinnias, removing the leaves from their stems and arranging them in a vase, all the while noticing their remarkable colors. 
  • Korean Yoga and Tai Chi movements help me move strong feelings through my body.
  • And, of course, a good nap…

Perhaps This Is You?

Women whose spouse and/or children are leaving the church are familiar with facing new and discouraging changes in their lives. Just like my story above, we need to stop and allow the grief before we can “Just Keep Going – With Faith”.  

I am grateful for the wisdom to know that discouragement and grief need a little time to process. As usual, I will bring a unique perspective to my Relief Society lesson tomorrow. 

In addition to time, sometimes we need a little help and encouragement to keep going as we pass through seemingly insurmountable trials.  Often we just need to express our sorrow and discouragement out loud to a listening ear .

Lee, if I can assist you in this process, and help you keep going with faith, I’m here.

Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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General Conference is awesome! Sometimes it’s hard…

General Conference is awesome and sometimes sad

General Conference is awesome! Sometimes it’s hard…

In the first session of General Conference, as I listened to President Bonnie Cordon speak, I received personal inspiration about how I can testify of Christ to my unbelieving family. There was the thrill of the spirit and also writing down the personal direction so I can remember and act on it.

During the very next talk, I wrote that it is so very hard to hear stories of “those who just kept going” and made it through their faith crisis’. I wrote that it’s hard to hear because that’s not what happened to my loved ones who have left the faith.  See one of my earlier blogs, “5 ways that working with a life coach helped me when my husband left the church” for some suggestions.

Not All Talks Encourage Me

Sometimes as I listen, I feel on top of the world, and other times, I struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in and feel left out when the talks are about families who all believe together.

This is so common for families that start with a common belief and some members later choose a different path. The believers love feeling the spirit and the feelings of being a part of the body of Christ and yet there is sadness that they worship alone.

Put Off The Natural Woman

Something that has helped me to counter the sad feelings and accept and embrace the lonely part of being the believing member in my home has been learning and applying Mosiah 3:19. This is the scripture about putting off the natural [woman]. In my natural state I am prone to all my natural emotions like fear, depression, and despair. When I learn to put off that “natural woman”, I am able to access the fruits of the spirit, which are peace, joy and patience, among others.

I’ve been studying how to quiet, and even silence these “natural woman” voices so that I can hear the voice of the spirit by using simple mindfulness exercises. These exercises help us access the part of our brains that allows for agency rather than the feelings of being “acted upon”, that being sad and lonely generate.

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness and how it can help you find the peace you desire, click the button below and schedule a time for us just to talk.

Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members That Are Leaving The Church

Very recently, one of my clients recently approached me with the following questions:

The questions: “How do I have a better relationship with my daughter who has left the church?  She is attacking the church on social media, and that’s all she wants to talk about with me.”  And their follow-up question was, “I want to love and understand my daughter without listening and reading all the things she is listening to and reading. How do I do that?“

Here is how I answered my client:

Without taking into account your daughter’s actual words, what do you think she is thinking and feeling right now? 

It sounds like she is definitely angry with the church. She probably has many negative feelings about the church and wants you to validate those feelings. This is very common for us humans. We want our family to share the same beliefs and do the same things. It sounds like she loves you and may simply want the best for you. She may believe the best thing for you – is for you to leave the church too. 

You can and should validate her feelings:

Frequently, this is hard for us to do because we believe if we validate someone’s feelings, we are condoning or agreeing with their actions. Therefore, how can we love angry family members leaving the church, without accepting or agreeing with their ideas?

The word “condone” means to accept and allow something that you consider morally wrong or offensive, as acceptable.  

You can validate the hurt your family member feels without agreeing with them on other issues. You can show empathy and compassion for what they are going through.  Perhaps you could say something similar to: “This topic sounds like it really hurts, is that how you feel?”

Then LISTEN!

Validating their feelings doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them endlessly talk negatively about the church. You don’t need to listen to all the information they is listening to.  You can decide in advance how much listening you want to do, and then set a limit. Perhaps say something like: “Sweetie, I love you and want to understand your thoughts, but this stuff is hard for me to listen to.  Let’s set a timer for 10 minutes, then find something else to do that we both enjoy.”

The formula I use is:

  1. Reassure them of your love.
  2. Decide how much you can listen to.
  3. Set a limit, and stick to it.
  4. Remind them we each get to choose what we believe. 
  5. Suggest a different activity you both enjoy.

These conversations can be hard. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t have them perfectly the first few times. It’s ok and it can take practice to learn how to respond to your child. Never the less, if you use genuine love and compassion for them, you can improve your relationship with them by making the effort to understand them better.

My offer to help:

In my Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program, I work one-on-one with women to work through things just like the above example. I help them navigate their relationships with loved ones who are leaving the church. If you are in the above situation, I can help you too.  I can help you continue loving family members leaving the church – even if they are angry.

Are you worried about your eternal family? Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman is the place for you to learn to build strong relationships within your mixed-faith family, while also using your strength and wisdom to be a light to them.

If this is something you may be interested in, let’s talk. 

Click on my picture below and sign up for a free 45 minute chat. 

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships. 

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!