Defeating Thought Tornados!

Defeating Thought Tornados!

Defeating Thought Tornadoes!

My daughter and her family live in Oklahoma where they have tornados. When I watch the news and see the horrific photos of places hit by tornados. I can’t believe the amount of damage they cause!  Frequently, tornados pick up trees, cars, farm machinery, animals, dirt, wood, bricks, furniture and garbage. They pickup just about anything in their path.  Since what goes up, must come down, the debris field where all of this stuff comes down is typically widespread.

Perhaps you have experienced or seen what the landscape looks like after a tornado has moved through?  The damage done to people and houses from all that flying debris is unimaginable.

Swirling Vortex Of Thought Fragments

You may remember that I described “thought tornados” as repetitive, unresolved thoughts on repeat. Similar to the circling winds of a tornado, our thoughts swirl around and around in our minds. These thoughts also leave debris in their path.  

The debris from thought tornados includes physical debris like sleepless nights and exhaustion.  Additionally, there are also mental debris such as difficulty making decisions, or not enjoying the present moment. These continued thoughts may even lead to anxiety or feelings of depression because we feel stuck and can’t see a way out. See a previous blog post titled: Are You In A Swirling Thought Tornado?

Mixed-Faith Thought Tornados

For women in mixed-faith families, these thought tornados may look like an unhealthy focus on what might happen to your family in the next life, or worrying about attending church on your own.  The debris field might be your relationship with your unbelieving spouse or child.

There are 3 general steps for stopping these run-away thought tornados: 

  1. Recognizing when we are experiencing a thought tornado.
  2. Seeing the damage these thoughts are creating.  
  3. Realizing that we are creating these thoughts, and we can STOP them. 

Sometimes it can be SUPER difficult to defeat the swirling thoughts, and these 3 steps are a lot easier said than done…

If you are interested in learning more about deflating your thought tornados, and the difference this can make in your life, click the button below and schedule a time for us just to talk.

Learning to Love As Christ Loves

Love as Christ Loves

Learning to Love As Christ Loves

Have you seen the multi-season series about the Life of Jesus called, “The Chosen”? It portrays events in the life of Christ from a whole new, much more relatable perspective. I have learned so much that after finishing season 3 last week, I went back to and started Season 1 again. Each episode helps me learn to love as Christ loves.

I love watching the character who plays Jesus. He shows love in such a genuine way to love as Christ loves in the series.  As a result of the watching this character of Jesus, I am learning about what loving kindness, charity and the pure love of Christ looks like.

Lessons On Love Learned At Church

For a long time I was confused by what I learned about “love” at church.  Over the years, I’ve heard so much about service and sacrifice, which is part of the pure love of Christ.  Unfortunately, I was always worrying if I was loving or sacrificing enough.  I even had a mental checklist of service to perform, and I worried that I wasn’t ever doing enough. I just thought I was really bad at love.

Watching the Jesus in “The Chosen” series show love and compassion is teaching me that I can do it too.

Preparing for Church

In preparation for church recently, I took a few minutes to quietly meditate on upcoming parts of the day. I mentally went down my planned activities for the day. These included; Sacrament Meeting and Relief Society. Our daughter and grandsons coming for dinner, planning my week, taking part in a workshop on marriage with Lee. 

I thought about the people I would be with. I thought about how I always want to show up as a little bit better version of myself. 

Practicing Love At Relief Society

During Relief Society a few weeks ago, the lady who sat behind me was introduced as new to our Ward. I turned around and introduced myself, and invited her to sit next to me.  Throughout the meeting I thought about what I could say to her when Relief Society was over. I simply wanted to get to know her a little better.

I was just curious

The question I asked her was, “ tell me the story of how you came to be part of our Ward?” I didn’t want to assume that she was married, had children, etc. We had a delightful conversation about where she lived and what she was doing, and that she has three fur babies and no human babies yet. 

I went home feeling great about how easy it was to talk with someone when I was not simply checking the box, “speak to someone new”.  I genuinely enjoyed getting to know her and I caught a little glimpse of my better self.  Perhaps I was actually “loving as Christ loves”.

How are you doing at becoming the “better self” that you want to be?

What are you learning about love from Jesus Christ?

It is challenging to accept others’ choices and not be disappointed. Or perhaps even “loving” them when the people we love choose different paths than we’ve chosen.

Perhaps I can help?

I coach faithful women affected by family members losing their faith or leaving the LDS church. It’s a really rough time. From my own personal experience, and from the experiences of many others I have worked with, I know how tough this time can be. I would love to help you negotiate this overwhelming time. We learn that loving choices are always available to us.  In conclusion, mixed-faith marriages or families are not new or unique, however personally experiencing this situation can be super disorienting.

If you are in this type of turmoil, perhaps now is the time to get some help?  We can discuss where you are and we can talk about learning to love as Christ loves.

I invite you to set up an appointment and we can just talk about what’s on your mind and in your heart.

Why Do I Stay?

Why Do I Stay?
Why Do I Stay?

Last week I spent the best week ever on the BYU campus in Provo. I was attending Education Week classes, meeting with friends, and having “thinking” time in little nooks all around campus. I came home excited to share some of the things I learned.

Why do I stay?

While I was in Provo, I spent a morning with a friend who asked me a question. I was grateful that I had previously spent time thinking about my answer and was ready to respond to her question.

Her question was about the church and was simple, she asked – Why do I stay?

I was reminded of the scripture in 1 Peter 3:15.  Here it is, paraphrased a little:

“Be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you, and do it with gentleness and respect.”

I was so grateful that just weeks before she asked this question I had settled down with a journaling page titled “Why I Stay.”

Many reasons for staying

I had a page full of answers that made sense to me. I love our doctrines of the temple, the baptismal covenant where I promise to come into the fold and stand as a witness of Christ. For me, the biggest reason is “The Plan”, because I’ve rarely met a plan that I don’t love.  I envision “The Plan of Salvation” or “The Plan of Happiness” as an eternal round. A plan starting and ending with Heavenly Parents who love me and want to help me become like them. 

Know your reasons for staying

For people, like me, who have a spouse or children who have left the faith, it is important being able to answer the question. “Why do you stay?” Being able to explain with  honesty, gentleness and respect, is a great exercise to think about before the question is asked. Below are some helpful suggestions:

Be Ready

Find a quiet time and sit down with your journal and ask yourself the question. “Why do I stay?” Write out your answers. Don’t take a lot of time, but do think through all the aspects of life as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What things do you love?  What things ring true?

Answer

I find it an absolute joy to be asked, and an even greater joy to be ready with reasons that I am able to share honestly and directly.

Asks

I am not asked very often, but I have been asked by my friend, my daughter and my husband, what I find appealing about the gospel. The key for me has been to wait until I’m asked. I try not to tell my friends and family about how I feel about the gospel, before they ask me. Often they are not ready to hear me. When they ask, they are ready to listen and I am able to share. 

Reasons for the hope inside of you

I have spent time really thinking about the things that I love, that bring me hope and fill me with overflowing love. Those are the things that I think about, concentrate on and make central to my life. They are the thoughts I think about on purpose and I am prepared to share when asked.

Gentleness and Respect

With many things it’s not about what you say, but how you say them. Being able to share with gentleness and respect leaves my relationship with my favorite people – my friends and family – ongoing and undamaged. I want to be in a relationship with them forever. I try to say what I want to say simply, genuinely, directly and centered on what it means to me. 

Journaling

It’s a good journaling exercise to answer the question – Why Do I Stay? 

You might think about making this question the focus of your morning devotional time.  As you think about the gospel, and what it means to you, write down your answers.

What? You don’t have a devotional time?  I can help with that. See my blogpost about morning devotionals if you are struggling to develop your spiritual health and well-being. I can help you learn to pray with a little more focus, ask questions, and learn to listen to answers from the spirit. You can use this time to find great joy in spiritual learning.

5 Ways Having A Coach Helped Me When My Husband Left The Church

Couple Talking

Thought Tornadoes – I couldn’t stop the spiraling thoughts that usually ended with fearful questions like, “What’s going to happen to me now?” Getting coached and self-coaching taught me how to stop those fearful thoughts and replace them with other thoughts that I found gave me the power over my life.

Agency – I have been taught the principle of agency my entire life, but I didn’t fully understand my ability to choose my own thoughts, feelings and actions until I learned the self-coaching model. I always believed that someone or something outside myself had more influence over me than I did. I thought I was at the mercy of others and that I was stuck. Now that I understand agency, I know I am the one with the power.

Compassion – less judgment – I didn’t know how judgmental I was of myself and others until members of my family began leaving the church. I didn’t realize how painful the church could be for some members until I experienced some of that pain myself as I was grieving my leaving family members. Some of the things that we commonly talk about at church are painful for others who do not have the “ideal” family situation. I love having more compassion and less judgment for myself and for everyone else.

Self-Care – I developed a self-care routine that supported me spiritually, emotionally and physically. Because I routinely take care of what I need, I am in a better place to take care of others, both members of my own family and any other person I encounter.

Love – I’ve learned about love from my family outside of the church. They just love, they don’t qualify or expect their love to be earned by actions. This has been a great lesson for me.  Love has always felt hard to me, and now it’s so much easier.

To say that coaching has changed my life for the better would be a vast understatement!

I can coach you – and teach you how to coach yourself.