Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members Leaving The Church

Loving Family Members That Are Leaving The Church

Very recently, one of my clients recently approached me with the following questions:

The questions: “How do I have a better relationship with my daughter who has left the church?  She is attacking the church on social media, and that’s all she wants to talk about with me.”  And their follow-up question was, “I want to love and understand my daughter without listening and reading all the things she is listening to and reading. How do I do that?

Here is how I answered my client:

Without taking into account your daughter’s actual words, what do you think she is thinking and feeling right now? 

It sounds like she is definitely angry with the church. She probably has many negative feelings about the church and wants you to validate those feelings. This is very common for us humans. We want our family to share the same beliefs and do the same things. It sounds like she loves you and may simply want the best for you. She may believe the best thing for you – is for you to leave the church too. 

You can and should validate her feelings:

Frequently, this is hard for us to do because we believe if we validate someone’s feelings, we are condoning or agreeing with their actions. Therefore, how can we love angry family members leaving the church, without accepting or agreeing with their ideas?

The word “condone” means to accept and allow something that you consider morally wrong or offensive, as acceptable.  

You can validate the hurt your family member feels without agreeing with them on other issues. You can show empathy and compassion for what they are going through.  Perhaps you could say something similar to: “This topic sounds like it really hurts, is that how you feel?”

Then LISTEN!

Validating their feelings doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them endlessly talk negatively about the church. You don’t need to listen to all the information they is listening to.  You can decide in advance how much listening you want to do, and then set a limit. Perhaps say something like: “Sweetie, I love you and want to understand your thoughts, but this stuff is hard for me to listen to.  Let’s set a timer for 10 minutes, then find something else to do that we both enjoy.

The formula I use is:

  1. Reassure them of your love.
  2. Decide how much you can listen to.
  3. Set a limit, and stick to it.
  4. Remind them we each get to choose what we believe. 
  5. Suggest a different activity you both enjoy.

These conversations can be hard. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t have them perfectly the first few times. It’s ok and it can take practice to learn how to respond to your child. Never the less, if you use genuine love and compassion for them, you can improve your relationship with them by making the effort to understand them better.

My offer to help:

In my Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program, I work one-on-one with women to work through things just like the above example. I help them navigate their relationships with loved ones who are leaving the church. If you are in the above situation, I can help you too.  I can help you continue loving family members leaving the church – even if they are angry.

Are you worried about your eternal family? Becoming A Whole-Hearted Woman is the place for you to learn to build strong relationships within your mixed-faith family, while also using your strength and wisdom to be a light to them.

If this is something you may be interested in, let’s talk. 

Click on my picture below and sign up for a free 45 minute chat. 

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Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

Loving My Family - Right Where They Are
Loving My Family – Right Where They Are

This last month my daughter had her baby dedicated at her church.  It is interesting, a few years ago I might have felt bad for her “choices”, possibly even thinking that she was making the “wrong” choices.  It is not be accident that I am getting better at “Loving Family Members – Right Where They Are”.

Thinking about my mixed-faith family:

One of my focuses over the past few years has been on learning to soften my heart around all members of my mixed-faith family. Less criticism, less judgement, more patience with myself and them. My goal was to learn to love them exactly where they are. To have eyes to see the good in their lives. Observing the progress I’ve made brings internal peace, and I sincerely loved baby J’s dedication. Truly feeling only love and appreciation for being there.

It was beautiful how their congregation spent the first 10-15 minutes of their meeting standing on their feet, singing and worshiping Jesus. How warmly we were welcomed! How my daughter has been accepted and loved by her congregation! I loved how they have embraced my daughter and her baby’s dedication. 

Finding common ground:

I am able to see all the good things that my daughter is experiencing in a different faith, and it feels really heart-warming.  I continue to love my daughter and now have added respect for finding her community. 

We have found common ground in our mixed-faith family, and it’s based on stronger unconditional love and respect for each other’s choices.

Feeling peace and love:

How are you doing with your mixed-faith family? Take a second to check in with your emotions. Do you feel peace and love towards them and their choices or do you feel worried and anxious?

If you feel worried about your spouse or child and the decisions they are making, I can help you see how YOU may be the one impacting your relationship.  I can help you develop the skills needed to master your mixed-faith relationships

Intentionally developing new skills and “muscles” for ourselves. Understanding that we aren’t responsible for choices our spouse or our child make. Appreciating that we are only responsible for how we respond to them.

I can help YOU learn the skills that lead to increased peace and love with all members of your family. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, click here and we can chat!

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Making Decisions For Others

Several weeks ago, I bought a workbook titled, “Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage“.  (More info to come on this.)

Even though my husband no longer participates in the LDS faith, the marriage we’ve created together has always been based on principles that we learned from church. Consequently we usually enjoy taking marriage courses together.

After I bought the workbook, I looked through it and liked the 12 principles, one for each month. However I thought there were too many General Authority quotes for my husband and he probably wouldn’t like it. 

So I didn’t show it to him…

I’m a super mind reader – NOT!

I read his mind and decided for him that it wasn’t something he would be interested in. He would think it was “too churchy”.

A week later, he found the chapter that I had printed and asked about it.

It turns out that he loves the principles! He is perfectly capable of overlooking quotes that I thought he wouldn’t like. Even though I had the best of intentions in mind, I was just protecting him from a non-issue to him. That old “I assumed” problem we all trip over once in a while. Sure enough, it came and bit me once again. Perhaps this assuming has happened between you and another person?

This kind of mind reading and then editing information is something that we all do in marriage.  Making decisions for another is never a great idea. In a mixed-faith marriage, assuming we know what our no-longer believing spouse is thinking, can result in missed opportunities.  In this case, I would have missed out on conversations with my husband. Conversations that would bring more of the unity and closeness that we both want in our marriage. 

Lesson learned (again) – DON’T “assume”, simply ASK!

Learning to Love As Christ Loves

Love as Christ Loves

Learning to Love As Christ Loves

Have you seen the multi-season series about the Life of Jesus called, “The Chosen? It portrays events in the life of Christ from a whole new, much more relatable perspective. I have learned so much that after finishing season 3 last week, I went back to and started Season 1 again. Each episode helps me learn to love as Christ loves.

I love watching the character who plays Jesus. He shows love in such a genuine way to love as Christ loves in the series.  As a result of the watching this character of Jesus, I am learning about what loving kindness, charity and the pure love of Christ looks like.

Lessons On Love Learned At Church

For a long time I was confused by what I learned about “love” at church.  Over the years, I’ve heard so much about service and sacrifice, which is part of the pure love of Christ.  Unfortunately, I was always worrying if I was loving or sacrificing enough.  I even had a mental checklist of service to perform, and I worried that I wasn’t ever doing enough. I just thought I was really bad at love.

Watching the Jesus in “The Chosen” series show love and compassion is teaching me that I can do it too.

Preparing for Church

In preparation for church recently, I took a few minutes to quietly meditate on upcoming parts of the day. I mentally went down my planned activities for the day. These included; Sacrament Meeting and Relief Society. Our daughter and grandsons coming for dinner, planning my week, taking part in a workshop on marriage with Lee. 

I thought about the people I would be with. I thought about how I always want to show up as a little bit better version of myself. 

Practicing Love At Relief Society

During Relief Society a few weeks ago, the lady who sat behind me was introduced as new to our Ward. I turned around and introduced myself, and invited her to sit next to me.  Throughout the meeting I thought about what I could say to her when Relief Society was over. I simply wanted to get to know her a little better.

I was just curious

The question I asked her was, “ tell me the story of how you came to be part of our Ward?” I didn’t want to assume that she was married, had children, etc. We had a delightful conversation about where she lived and what she was doing, and that she has three fur babies and no human babies yet. 

I went home feeling great about how easy it was to talk with someone when I was not simply checking the box, “speak to someone new”.  I genuinely enjoyed getting to know her and I caught a little glimpse of my better self.  Perhaps I was actually “loving as Christ loves”.

How are you doing at becoming the “better self” that you want to be?

What are you learning about love from Jesus Christ?

It is challenging to accept others’ choices and not be disappointed. Or perhaps even “loving” them when the people we love choose different paths than we’ve chosen.

Perhaps I can help?

I coach faithful women affected by family members losing their faith or leaving the LDS church. It’s a really rough time. From my own personal experience, and from the experiences of many others I have worked with, I know how tough this time can be. I would love to help you negotiate this overwhelming time. We learn that loving choices are always available to us.  In conclusion, mixed-faith marriages or families are not new or unique, however personally experiencing this situation can be super disorienting.

If you are in this type of turmoil, perhaps now is the time to get some help?  We can discuss where you are and we can talk about learning to love as Christ loves.

I invite you to set up an appointment and we can just talk about what’s on your mind and in your heart.

Love / Hate Relationship With December?

Love / Hate Relationship With December
Love / Hate Relationship With December?

The Christmas season is here. Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or dread? Do you have a love / hate relationship with December?

For many years, I had a love/hate relationship with December and the whole Christmas season.  This was especially true after some members of my family left the church.  I started to wonder if all of my efforts to help my family love Christmas would ever work out. You know, the reason for the season, which is the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Was I the reason that some of my children and spouse no longer even believe that there is a Savior?

Many of us mothers are particularly sensitive and vulnerable during the Christmas season. As self-described “Christmas magic makers”, we feel responsible for making this the best time of the year for everyone we love.

What went wrong?

As a matter of fact, many of my “natural woman” tendencies can be particularly active during this time of the year:

My “Inner Judge” likes to point out all the ways that I am falling short during December. Someone who has it all together would have taken family photos. Written personal Christmas cards to friends. Planned exciting activities. Gone shopping to buy the perfect personal gifts for everyone on her list. Most important of all – managed to bring the “true spirit” into her home everyday in December. 

Other characters in my mind…

The “Controlling” part of my personality is screaming that if everyone would just follow MY plan the holiday would be perfect!

My personal “Stickler”, the one who loves all the rules and keeps track of all the things I “should” be doing, and letting me know where I fall short. 

My inner “Victim” feels so sorry for herself – everyone else has a perfectly behaved family.  Poor, poor me, I have to make do with what I have instead of the perfect life everyone else I know has. 

And finally, the “People Pleaser” in me tries to keep everyone happy all the time. Even though this is an impossible task, we think I can do. If anyone is less than happy, I failed indeed. I wrote about the “People Pleaser” in a previous blog post.

What else would we expect?

Is it any wonder that I had a love/hate relationship with Christmas? 

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you??

Somewhere over the past few years I have discovered the spiritual gift of COMPASSION. This gift, is the gift of empathy and the desire to relieve my own and others’ suffering. This gift has allowed me to quiet those inner voices and approach the Christmas season with joy and anticipation. I’m happy to report that those inner critical voices are so quiet now that I can barely hear them.

With this gift, I am changed. I am currently looking forward to the holiday with love and anticipation.

How about you?

If you are dreading the Christmas season, I invite you to schedule an time to let me coach you early in December.

You know who you are…

I would love for your December to have more love and compassion and fewer critical inner voices. Schedule 50 minutes with me and we will identify your inner critical voices. We can talk about how to quiet them so you can feel the love and peace you desire.

Perhaps your Christmas season is already perfect and you have a friend that could benefit from some help with those above inner voices?   If you know someone that could use a dose of self-compassion this time of year, please share this gift with them.

This is simply a gift I am sharing.  You can be confident knowing there is NO cost, NO pressure, and NO sales pitch.  Simple coaching to help you make your Christmas season merrier and brighter than ever.  Click the link below.

Yes!  I want the gift of Compassion for Christmas!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

Revelation & Prayer Journaling
Revelation & Prayer Journaling – AMAZING!

The three pillars of my Whole-Hearted Woman coaching program are to love ourselves, love God and love others. Learning to love any of these people takes determination and focus. However I think it’s harder to love ourselves on a consistent basis than it is to love God or others.  Let me tell you about revelation & prayer journaling. It’s AMAZING!

I am always vulnerable to my own harsh judgments.  Perhaps you too?

One of the ways that I have learned to love myself is by committing to a morning devotional time that strengthens my spirit, my body and my emotional & mental health. 

I spoke about my entire morning time a previous blog post about my “Morning Devotionals“.

My morning devotionals include:

  • Prayer
  • Music
  • Scriptures
  • Journaling
  • Studying
  • Moving my body
  • Meditation
  • Mindset Work
  • Belief Plan

As part of this practice that strengthens my spirit and my love for self, I spend some time doing what I call “Revelation & Prayer Journaling”. Each morning that I take the time to do this, I leave feeling spiritually uplifted and renewed. Because I am so thankful for all of you who read my emails, especially when you reach out and let me know they are helping you, I want to share my Revelation & Prayer Journaling page template and instructions with you. 

Why do I spend all this time?

Here is a partial list of the daily benefits that I have received from this process:

  • I am a better person at the end of my devotional time than I was when I started.
  • I have much more enthusiasm for the day when I take the time in the morning to talk things over with God.
  • I feel impressions that I try to follow.
  • I feel like I am guided.
  • I make better choices.
  • I love people more.
  • I am not distracted by the news.
  • I don’t over-react when something doesn’t happen the way I want it to because I have a broader perspective.
  • I am more accepting of myself and others.
  • I allow myself to feel all of my emotions – even the negative ones like grief, worry or sadness.

Enjoy!

The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

The Road To Abilene - A Trip To Resentment
The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment

A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase “Low Candor and High Courtesy” applied to many of us at church.  In this phrase, “low candor” means we don’t exactly share the full truth. The term “high courtesy” means we do this because we want to be kind to others.

When my husband was a young manager at Boeing, he was sent to a course that included a 1984 movie titled “The Abilene Paradox”. During the first six minutes, the movie showed two couples sitting on the porch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. One man in the group casually suggested to the others that they could drive to Abilene, Texas for supper.  One by one, each of the other people agreed to go on this 53-mile drive on a hot summer’s day. By the time they got home, tired, hot (no air conditioners), sweaty and grumpy, each of them shared that they never really wanted to go in the first place. The man that offered the idea also said “I didn’t want to go to Abilene to begin with, I was just making conversation!”   “Low Candor and High Courtesy”.

So, the lesson from the Abilene Paradox is that when everyone agrees to do something that nobody really wants to do – to be kind to others, EVERYONE will likely be disappointed with the outcome. 

“Are we on the road to Abilene?” became a favorite family question when we were attempting to make decisions as a family. 

You can watch this video for yourself

Recently we discovered a copy of this old video on YouTube, and my husband and I watched it again. (End at about 4:35 seconds into the video.)   Yup, even after all these years, we still occasionally find ourselves going 90 MPH on the Road to Abilene!  

One thing we’ve realized that we especially need in our mixed-faith-marriage is clear communication. Even when it takes a little extra time and patience to hammer out what we are each thinking and meaning, it is worth it.

Another example

After watching the movie together, we discussed the story and who we thought was to blame for everyone going to Abilene. I thought the person who made the suggestion to go when he didn’t really want to go was dishonest.  He was probably suggesting an activity that he hoped no one would take him up on. My husband thought it was fine to make a suggestion, but the dishonest people were the rest of the group who said “yes”, just to be polite.  Each of you will need to decide who you think was to blame for yourselves. 

An example of NOT being on the Road to Abilene

Recently, my husband asked me to go with him to an RV show a few miles away.  I quickly thought about his offer, knowing it was Sunday, it was hot, there was a lot of walking and really, if you’ve seen 100 RV’s, you’ve probably seen them all…  So what do you think I decided?   I concluded that being with him on a Sunday afternoon doing something he really wanted to do was more important to me than the rest of my arguments. We were NOT on the road to Abilene. We went and actually had a great time together, and as I predicted, no RV’s followed us home.

Here is an example of BEING on the Road to Abilene

On another occasion, my husband invited me to go out to dinner at a place he thought I might like.  I said yes because I thought it was someplace he wanted to go.  (But I really didn’t like that place.) When we got home, neither of us had enjoyed our meal, and I was really grumpy when I found out he didn’t like the restaurant either! He was just being kind and thoughtful because he thought I liked it.  I decided to go because I thought he wanted to go. In my way, I too was also trying to be kind and thoughtful.

It turns out neither of us are being kind and thoughtful when we are not honest about what we want.  Actually, this can be a recipe for resentment. This is where our improving communication skills come in handy. 

A Christmas example

When you are in a mixed-faith marriage, opportunities abound for trips to Abilene. A previous blog post about making Christmas “perfect” for all is a good example of trying to please everyone.

The solution?  Although we may be in a “low candor, high courtesy” culture, being honest about what we want is more important than trying to go along with others that are simply trying to make us happy.

I know you’ve all been there!  The Road To Abilene – A Trip To Resentment. I would love to hear your version of being on “The Road to Abilene” – just leave a comment.

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children
Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children

I recently visited the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I was fascinated by the barbed wire exhibit. There were 1,000’s of different varieties of barbed wire!

Likewise, I was fascinated to find a much smaller barbed wire exhibit at the Museum of Idaho last week.  The exhibit displayed barbed wire styles that were unique to each rancher. When you saw a certain style of barbed wire you knew who’s property you were on. Then I wondered if my family had their own style of barbed wire? A question that there is probably no one left to answer… 

It turns out that barbed wire forever changed the way that ranchers kept beef cattle in the American West. Previous to barbed wire, there was no cost-effective way to confine cattle. The creatures mostly roamed free on the open range. Once barbed wire was invented, cattle were fenced. Ranchers could increase their herds without the fear of losing cattle to cliffs, bad plants or mixing with other herds.

So what’s the point of all this barbed wire talk?

I loved looking at all the types of barbed wire. But, it made me think about the function played by the barbed wire.  It set boundaries, to keep cattle in and predators and rustlers out. 

We each have our own variety of figurative “barbed wire” for our personal boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way to define who we are as individuals. They define what we will and will not hold ourselves responsible for. Learning to create healthy boundaries is an important part of our self-care. 

Boundaries and our children

But, just as barbed wire keeps cattle in, it also keeps unwanted critters or people out.  It’s this aspect that I wanted to talk about today. As mothers of adult children, it’s so easy to think of our children as an extension of us.  Sometimes we forget the plan is for training them to manage their own lives, separate from us.  As they grow in abilities, our children need to develop healthy boundaries. The do this to live their own lives without interference from their parents.

This can be frightening for us parents, since we love our children and want to stay close and protect them. We may not recognize our children’s “barbed wire boundary”. We may attempt to break through it, by offering helpful observations or advice.  In mixed-faith families, repeating helpful reminders of the religious teachings that you taught them to make their life “better”.

Our rationale is that we only want what’s best for our child. We have more life experience, and we are only trying to be helpful.

Wisdom from Twitter

“Unsolicited advice is criticism, always”.

I agree with this, although I don’t always practice what I preach. Occasionally I do have a habit of doling out unsolicited advice to my adult kids… Then I end up having to apologize when/if I recognize I’ve overstepped their boundaries.

Perhaps you feel like you have been caught in barbed wire in your relationship with your adult child? Or you might be trying to break down a boundary they have established to create independence from you?  Is there a better way for you to have a relationship with your adult child? 

Perhaps I can help?

If you need help answering these questions, coaching might be a great fit for you. I have learned to better create boundaries for myself. Additionally I am better at recognizing the boundaries our kids and others have set for us.

Would you like to discuss “Barbed Wire Boundaries and Our Children” or your situation? Feel free to select a convenient time and we can Just Talk.