Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Distorted view

Life Lessons From Cataract Surgery

Earlier this week, I had cataract surgery to remove a blurry cataract and replace it with a new lens that has greatly improved my vision.

Typically, if there are cataracts in both eyes, they do one eye at a time with a week or so in between the procedures.

I am in between surgeries this week and have one eye with a new lens and one eye with a blurry cataract. 

The experience has been very “eye-opening”!  (pun intended) 

What a difference!!

When I put my hand over my eye with the blurry cataract and look through my new lens, everything is perfectly in focus, and bright. The whites are amazingly white!

When I put my hand over the repaired eye and look out of the eye with the bad cataract, things are a little fuzzy, a little dirty, dull and dingy looking. 

I am so astonished that I’ve been playing this game of covering my eyes over and over. It is hard to believe believe the difference! I didn’t know how poor and distorted my vision had become.  Surgery gave me new clarity that I didn’t even know I had lost.

Other Distortions

Through this experience I’ve realized that I often have unclear and distorted views in other areas of my life. For example, when my family members left their LDS faith and I decided that I still wanted to remain a faithful member of the church, I started “seeing” differently. 

Some things were a clear improvement, like learning to really love others even when they believe in the gospel differently than I do.

At the same time, other things were not an improvement and even became distorted.
Things related to the church like: 

  • Where do I fit in the church community now that my husband doesn’t attend?
  • How do I participate at church in a way that works for me and my family? 
  • What does home centered worship mean when I am the only member at home? 

Do Any Of These Questions Sound Familiar To You?

Unfortunately, not everything I tried to address these questions was helpful for me, my faith or my family. 

The unbelievable thing was that, because of the hurt and pain I experienced during that time of my life, I couldn’t see the distortions.  Like failing cataracts, these experiences discolored everything.

One of the things that helped me replace my distorted “thinking cataracts” with clearer thoughts was the process of learning to talk with God and get clear answers to my prayers.  I started to recognize the thoughts and feelings that were helping me and the ones that were hurting me. Combining “thought work & revelation” helped my vision to clear up – a LOT.  Revelation and Prayer Journaling is another practice that has helped me.

Let Me Help You Clear Up Your Distortions

If you are or have experienced these types of thought distortions due to members of your family leaving the LDS faith, or other life events, I can help you clear up some of the distortions and regain clarity.

Limited Time Offer

With the end of summer and the start of a new school year, September is often a time for new beginnings and routines, so I am offering an “End of Summer Clarity” coaching special to help you see some of your critical life experiences more clearly.

For the next 2 weeks I am offering a limited number of 3 session coaching packages for $375 only $249. For those of you who are NOT struggling with fitting into your faith community, take advantage of this great sale to talk about what YOU are struggling with. 

Why wait?  Sign up today and start seeing some distorted thoughts with new clarity.

I would love to help you clear up some thought distortions that may have crept into your life. 

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

Dealing With Emotions At Church: Insights From A Mixed-Faith Family

A few weeks ago I wrote about 5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family, and I got an email back from my friend Tina with an additional suggestion. She said;

“If I were going to add anything to your list, it would be to be patient with me. 

When I am at church and see the brochure family held up as the goal, it is hard for me, and I might react poorly while I try to sort out my emotions about my own family’s reality.

I have a lot of emotions at church, and many of them are difficult to deal with.”

Particularly Hard Things To Hear

Last week was a fifth Sunday meeting and our Ward had a lesson about the Ward Mission Plan. As I listened to the description of how we can support new and returning members, I was suddenly overcome with strong emotions about my family members.

There was a moment of panic when I thought I might burst into tears. Should leave or say something or do nothing?

I made it through the meeting, but started crying on the way to my car and needed a few minutes of quiet journaling before I could go home. I thought about writing a letter to the Ward Mission Leader sharing a different perspective, but eventually decided not to.

These experiences are a part of the mixed-faith family journey. Even when you are the one who has chosen to stay faithful to the church, there can be good people at church who say things that hurt. 

When dealing with emotions at church, I don’t have a good formula for this experience – except to say that my friend Tina had it right. We all have to be patient with each other.  If you find yourself dealing with strong emotions at church and need some support, I can help you sort through these feelings. Even when you find yourself in a your mixed-faith marriage or family. I understand the pain and I can help you work through it . Let’s find the solution for you . Let’s talk. 

Valuable Resources Available To You

Life Coaching Resources

Valuable Resources Available To You

Who Are You and What Do You Want?

When clients come to me, some of the first questions I ask them are about who they are (their identity) and what they want (purpose).  Often, they don’t know the answer to either of these questions.

Recently I worked with a woman who is married with 5 adult children.  Three of her children had left the church. She was stuck because she couldn’t separate herself from her family.

Her value was all invested in her ability to raise “righteous” children. When some of her kids left the church, she felt  like it was her fault and wondered if she had failed at her most important job. She felt depressed and anxious when we talked about her children. “What more could I have done?” she asked.

We talked about who she is, her roles, her dreams, what she hopes for her life, and her hopes for her family. She started being able to separate her identity from her children’s actions. 

She created some I AM Statements that helped her stay focused on what SHE wanted in her life. Practicing her I AM beliefs helped her to start recognizing who she is and what she wants. 

At our last meeting she was looking forward to doing some things she wanted to do her whole life – but never found time to pursue them . She was also having conversations with her kids and relating to them as individuals. Not as those who were following the gospel path and those who weren’t.  She felt relieved of the burden she had been carrying –  to raise “perfect” kids. 

Valuable Resources Available To You

Resources available to you of my website have a list of worksheets and other information you may find helpful. Some of the worksheets are the exact worksheets that I used to help the above client. (I AM Statements, Life Satisfaction Wheel,  Values and Priorities Workbook, etc.)  Take a look at the Resources page on my website, some of those worksheets might be just what you need to get your life pointed in a new direction. 

My Online Resources May Not Be Enough

Should you need a little more help than the Resources on my website, please reach out.  I would love to work with you on any challenging circumstances in your life.

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

5 Ways The Church Can Support My Mixed-Faith Family

I Followed The Formula

I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learning to be a member by observing those around me as well as being taught by goodly parents.

I learned to serve, lead, teach, pray and participate from parents & grandparents, who put the church first in their lives. 

I followed the prescribed pattern for church membership that was modeled for me. 

I taught my children the way that I was taught, by example and direct instruction. 

Then Something Unexpected Happened

Fast forward a few years ago when nothing prepared me for my husband and some of our children stepping away from the church.  Leaving me as the believing member in my household. I never realized how much support in our faith we get from our family members.

Without my family to share in the gospel, I felt lonely.  I still need to worship with a community and I love being part of the “Body of Christ”. 

That Got Me Thinking 

There isn’t really anything to help our leaders or friends at church know what we might need or how to support us in mixed-faith families.  Also, I know our church friends aren’t  telepathic…

So, I created a list of things that I try and use with my ward family.

5 ways that the Church can support my mixed-faith family: 

  1. Give me a calling – I love being able to serve and would love a calling that lets me be needed at church. 
  2. Give me opportunities to serve others – These opportunities often work better for me as an invitation and not an assignment. 
  3. Talk with me about what my needs are – If my name ever comes up in Ward Council or any other meeting, don’t ask anyone else what they think I need. Please talk to me directly. There is no one who understands my needs better than I do.
  4. Talk with me directly about what you expect from me and allow me to explain my circumstances. – Sign-up sheets, emails and Facebook announcements are often good for group communications, but other times nothing can take the place of a 1:1 conversation. 
  5. Be kind and welcoming – When my family chooses to attend anything with me – it makes it hard when people act like lightning has struck should my husband come to church.  Frequently, church members have nothing to talk about – but the church. I want my family members to feel comfortable around other church members, simply as friends.  

BONUS – One additional way that I can make it easier for the Church to support me.

I need to know what I need – and I need to speak up about it. I can’t expect friends, leaders or ministers at church to notice what I need or offer it to me. It’s my responsibility to let them know when I need a blessing, help with gluten-free sacrament, or receive ministering.  I need to ask for the help I need. 

How About You?

Do any of the above ideas resonate with you? 

Are some of these ways the church can support you in a mixed-faith family something you can share with members of your Ward?

Sometimes we can all use a little support.

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Burdened with load of care

Are You Ever Burdened With A Load Of Care?

Several weeks ago, I was asked to lead this week’s discussion in Relief Society. The General Conference talk we will be discussing is “Just Keep Going – With Faith”, which is a talk about overcoming discouragement and moving forward.

This week my family got discouraging and disheartening news.

I thought, I “should” know how to deal with hard things!

  • I know how to pray
  • I know how to hand things over to God
  • I know thoughtwork
  • I know how to see the “gifts” life’s challenges bring
  • I know how to re-write my stories
  • I know how to shift into my sage wisdom
  • I know how to recognize and feel my feelings

I have ALL the tools. 

However, let me tell you a little secret.

What actually made things better was acknowledging that I feel discouraged – and that it’s OK to feel discouraged.  Anyone in this situation would feel this way.  We know in time that strong feelings pass and new realities get normalized.

In those moments when discouragement hits us hard, the “tools” don’t really make things better.

Additional Things That Help Me

In addition to all of the above tools, I have a few additional go-to strategies that bring me peace:

  • I listen to what I call “morning birdsong symphonies” from the birds in my yard and pray and meditate to the sound.
  • Since I am a gardener, my garden is a place of refuge and peace for me.
  • Yesterday I spent time in my garden watering, tying up heavy poppies, removing aphids, watching ladybugs eat aphids,picking zinnias, removing the leaves from their stems and arranging them in a vase, all the while noticing their remarkable colors. 
  • Korean Yoga and Tai Chi movements help me move strong feelings through my body.
  • And, of course, a good nap…

Perhaps This Is You?

Women whose spouse and/or children are leaving the church are familiar with facing new and discouraging changes in their lives. Just like my story above, we need to stop and allow the grief before we can “Just Keep Going – With Faith”.  

I am grateful for the wisdom to know that discouragement and grief need a little time to process. As usual, I will bring a unique perspective to my Relief Society lesson tomorrow. 

In addition to time, sometimes we need a little help and encouragement to keep going as we pass through seemingly insurmountable trials.  Often we just need to express our sorrow and discouragement out loud to a listening ear .

Lee, if I can assist you in this process, and help you keep going with faith, I’m here.

Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Defeating Thought Tornados!

Defeating Thought Tornados!

Defeating Thought Tornadoes!

My daughter and her family live in Oklahoma where they have tornados. When I watch the news and see the horrific photos of places hit by tornados. I can’t believe the amount of damage they cause!  Frequently, tornados pick up trees, cars, farm machinery, animals, dirt, wood, bricks, furniture and garbage. They pickup just about anything in their path.  Since what goes up, must come down, the debris field where all of this stuff comes down is typically widespread.

Perhaps you have experienced or seen what the landscape looks like after a tornado has moved through?  The damage done to people and houses from all that flying debris is unimaginable.

Swirling Vortex Of Thought Fragments

You may remember that I described “thought tornados” as repetitive, unresolved thoughts on repeat. Similar to the circling winds of a tornado, our thoughts swirl around and around in our minds. These thoughts also leave debris in their path.  

The debris from thought tornados includes physical debris like sleepless nights and exhaustion.  Additionally, there are also mental debris such as difficulty making decisions, or not enjoying the present moment. These continued thoughts may even lead to anxiety or feelings of depression because we feel stuck and can’t see a way out. See a previous blog post titled: Are You In A Swirling Thought Tornado?

Mixed-Faith Thought Tornados

For women in mixed-faith families, these thought tornados may look like an unhealthy focus on what might happen to your family in the next life, or worrying about attending church on your own.  The debris field might be your relationship with your unbelieving spouse or child.

There are 3 general steps for stopping these run-away thought tornados: 

  1. Recognizing when we are experiencing a thought tornado.
  2. Seeing the damage these thoughts are creating.  
  3. Realizing that we are creating these thoughts, and we can STOP them. 

Sometimes it can be SUPER difficult to defeat the swirling thoughts, and these 3 steps are a lot easier said than done…

If you are interested in learning more about deflating your thought tornados, and the difference this can make in your life, click the button below and schedule a time for us just to talk.

There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

Lasting Memories Scrapbook Store

There’s Power In Your Story: Rewriting Your Narrative

About 13 years ago, I owned a scrapbook store, and during those years everyone seemed to be into scrapbooking. It was delightful helping all my customers tell their family stories. I also loved being able to share my own family stories. I consider myself a storyteller and believe that we learn so much about ourselves and our families through the stories we tell.  It helps us make sense of our lives and our families. (Of course we learn even more if our stories have pictures!)

As a lifecoach, I see the power of stories and storytelling every day. However, they are not necessarily the kind of stories that we scrapbook. Each of us is living out the stories of our lives that we have created. I hear stories of those who have overcome challenges and are using those challenges to build a better life. I talk to people who feel at the mercy of others because they believe that others in their lives have more say in their story than they do.

The story that you tell yourself creates your present and your future.

In the self-coaching thought model, our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions and our actions create the results that we observe in our lives. 

But, what if we don’t like what we are creating in our lives?

Changing Our Stories

The simple answer is to change our story – or the thoughts that drive our actions and results.  I’ve previously written about becoming the heroin in your own story.

But it’s NOT that easy.

If it were, everyone would feel like they have complete control over their lives.

#1 It’s really hard to catch our own damaging stories – they feel so true.

Then, even when we see our stories, it’s hard to stop telling them because they are so engrained.

And finally, it’s really easy to relapse into these not helpful stories by default.

My Offer To You

This summer I am working on re-writing some of my own disempowering stories and I would love to help YOU examine your unhelpful stories.  You can discover a better story, a vision of yourself where you are stronger, wiser and more courageous than you ever believed.  And then I will help you practice becoming that strong, wise and brave person. 

Is now the time for you to change some of your stories?

If so, simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

Heroine in our own stories

Becoming The Heroine of Our Own Stories

I love the notion that by small and simple things, we can make BIG changes, but sometimes there are just BIG changes in our lives that we have to adapt to…

Changes In My Life

That happened to me 7 years ago when my husband left the LDS faith. So many of the foundations of our marriage centered around a common belief. I had to adjust my relationship with him and also my relationship with my own faith, because of the ripple effects from his loss of faith.

Over these past 7 years, I’ve developed my own story about my identity as the believing member in my family. Some of these stories are really powerful, such as the confidence I’ve developed to take charge of all religious observances in my home. Some of my stories are disempowering, like my belief that women in my position are invisible at church.

Updating Our Stories

We all have stories that we hang on to. Some of them started as helpful and useful to help us through a hard change. Often our stories are outdated and no longer useful.

Several of our stories need to be updated.

One of my summer projects is to examine my beliefs and stories about my faith identity and to update those stories with new ones that fit all the growth that I’ve experienced in the past 7 years.

This may be a good summer for you to look at your own stories, because we all have them. Do your stories still work for you? Are they helping you to grow? Do you like who you are in them? Or are they keeping you stuck and maybe at the mercy of others?

An Offer To Help

I would love to help you update your stories. Together we will look at what your current stories are creating for your life and then we will decide what you want to emphasize and create in your new stories. Finally, you will choose and practice the beliefs that help you become the heroine in your own story.

Does this sound like fun?  Maybe not – because honestly, some parts are just really hard work. But it’s a good hard work!  It’s a worthwhile and satisfying effort, and I would love to be part of your work.

Perhaps now is the time for you to change some of your outdated stories?  I would love to help you get started. Simply click the button below and set up a complementary 30-minute appointment, and let’s talk.

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Honoring Heavenly Mother on Mother’s Day

Honoring Heavenly Mother on Mother’s Day

Honoring Heavenly Mother on Mother’s Day

Yesterday was Mother’s day and I hope yours was wonderful, mine was. Together, Lee and I watered our newly planted seedlings, and then I went to church, enjoyed the talks and the singing in Sacrament meeting.  Next I really enjoyed being with all the women in our Ward in Relief Society. The Elder’s Quorum came in at the end and served us the most delicious strawberry shortcake. One of our daughters came to dinner with 2 of our adorable grandchildren.  We ate and played games and had a good time together. Our other girls called and we visited with them.  Afterwards, Lee and I took an afternoon nap and then called his mother. It was a very happy day.

I Missed Hearing About Heavenly Mother

Last year on Mother’s Day, I went to a friend’s church for Sacrament meeting, where she gave an amazing talk about what we know about our Heavenly Mother. Sadly, yesterday I missed hearing about my Heavenly Mother, so I spent  some time curled up with my phone in one hand and my computer in front of me, reading the Gospel Topic Essay titled “Mother in Heaven“. Additionally, I read all of the footnotes and source material.  After that, I read Elder Renlund’s recent talk “Your Divine Nature and Eternal Destiny”.  I felt a deep desire to Honoring Heavenly Mother this Mother’s Day.

Seeking Greater Understanding

I woke up early this morning excited to continue my gospel studies.  In the early morning I used my time to journal about all the things that I have learned about my Heavenly Mother. While at the same time, being careful to avoid the “speculation” that Elder Renlund warned about in his talk. Surprisingly, I was amazed at all the things we know!

Here Are Some Things We Do Know About Heavenly Mother:

  • She exists and is a cherished doctrine of our church.
  • We are Her beloved spirit children.
  • She loves us.
  • We (females) look like Her.
  • She is as concerned about us as our earthly mothers, and from beyond the veil is working to help us. 
  • She was a partner in the creation.
  • She helped design The Plan of Salvation.
  • Our Divine Heavenly Mother is side by side with the Divine Heavenly Father.

It was a wonderful ending to Mother’s Day, considering the part Heavenly Mother plays in my life.

I know our Heavenly Parents know us individually and want the best for me and for you.

I ask myself – How do my Heavenly Parents see me?  Where do I see them influencing me today? 

I know that I love and trust them.  Consequently, when things happen in my life that I don’t understand, I believe that instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?”,  I want to ask, “How is this happening for me?”

Similarly, when your spouse or even your children leave the church, sometimes we make it mean that our Heavenly Parents have forgotten us, and perhaps we have offended Them somehow.

They Want Us Home With Them Again

After careful consideration, we can begin to realize how much we are beloved by our Heavenly Parents. They not only want the very best for us, they are always looking for ways to get us home to Them. To reframe our thought, we might ask, “How this trial, event or situation will work out for us and bring us closer to Them?“

That was my Mother’s Day message. I hope by sharing my insights you will find something that resonates with you too.

General Conference is awesome! Sometimes it’s hard…

General Conference is awesome and sometimes sad

General Conference is awesome! Sometimes it’s hard…

In the first session of General Conference, as I listened to President Bonnie Cordon speak, I received personal inspiration about how I can testify of Christ to my unbelieving family. There was the thrill of the spirit and also writing down the personal direction so I can remember and act on it.

During the very next talk, I wrote that it is so very hard to hear stories of “those who just kept going” and made it through their faith crisis’. I wrote that it’s hard to hear because that’s not what happened to my loved ones who have left the faith.  See one of my earlier blogs, “5 ways that working with a life coach helped me when my husband left the church” for some suggestions.

Not All Talks Encourage Me

Sometimes as I listen, I feel on top of the world, and other times, I struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in and feel left out when the talks are about families who all believe together.

This is so common for families that start with a common belief and some members later choose a different path. The believers love feeling the spirit and the feelings of being a part of the body of Christ and yet there is sadness that they worship alone.

Put Off The Natural Woman

Something that has helped me to counter the sad feelings and accept and embrace the lonely part of being the believing member in my home has been learning and applying Mosiah 3:19. This is the scripture about putting off the natural [woman]. In my natural state I am prone to all my natural emotions like fear, depression, and despair. When I learn to put off that “natural woman”, I am able to access the fruits of the spirit, which are peace, joy and patience, among others.

I’ve been studying how to quiet, and even silence these “natural woman” voices so that I can hear the voice of the spirit by using simple mindfulness exercises. These exercises help us access the part of our brains that allows for agency rather than the feelings of being “acted upon”, that being sad and lonely generate.

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness and how it can help you find the peace you desire, click the button below and schedule a time for us just to talk.